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Have A Nice Day
When Theater Kids Shot the President (Part 1)
Episode 1 of two part series. Rate. Review. Or we fight.
Just copy and past this: I listened fully tucked! Only way to listen! 5 stars!
Episode Minutes:
- John Wilkes Booth as Emilio Estevez or whatever
- Big gay Brutus
- Method acting
Links
Hello, hey everybody, this is the second installment. If you're listening to this, this is obviously the third episode, but second installment of our history series. On our last episode, we covered the Battle of Manassas. Some in the North call it the Battle of Bull Run, probably like our guest today probably calls it the Battle of Bull Run. We call it the Battle of Manassas, in which the south went 2-0, not a brag, just a fact. And yeah, we're going to do another episode about the Civil War, except it's going to be about a on the end of the Civil War. First we did the beginning of the Civil War and this we are going to be covering, covering, while not technically, appomattox Courthouse, while not the surrender, um, it is the aftermath and the wake following the civil war and everything that happened pre-reconstruction. Well, I guess kind of in the middle of reconstruction. But uh, we have my buddy, matt Chernowski, on, is that how you say your name?
Speaker 2:Shanowski, really, yeah, what's up with?
Speaker 1:Polish people. Why do you guys do that? Itowski, really, yeah, what's up with Polish people? Why do you guys do that?
Speaker 2:It's crazy. I literally I remember in German class in high school, my teacher who's from Eastern Europe was like you're pronouncing it wrong and I was like dude, I'm this fucking far in here.
Speaker 1:I'm not fucking changing it now. How did they say it?
Speaker 2:She was like it's Shudnovsky, and I was like it's Shudnovsky, I'm not fucking doing that.
Speaker 1:So you're just like I'm going to pronounce her name wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, some people say if you ask some of my grandparents, they'll say like Shurnowski. Some people say Shurnowski, I just rock with Shurnowski.
Speaker 1:That's so funny that Polish people can't even pronounce their own names?
Speaker 2:How many?
Speaker 1:Polish people does it take to pronounce their own name? The whole country of poland, with everybody going, no, it is actually schnowski, no, it is actually shuvadosh katish. That's so fucking funny that you guys have just accepted that you're gonna say your name wrong forever yep, mine's actually is supposed to be diakins.
Speaker 2:Okay, I gotcha. I mean, I could get it easily. So all the polish last names. They're mostly named after towns, which is also a hilarious way to name an entire country, not based on lineage whatsoever dude if my name was matthew manassas yeah, but imagine there's like a thousand, that tens of thousands of other people, that last name. You're trying to organize a country yeah you might as well just have everyone go by. Their first are the manastas here where's all the monastases?
Speaker 1:they just show up, but that is uh, yeah, that's okay. So real question do you think because people say this, but do you think hitler was trying to kill the jews or do you think he was trying to kill the polish?
Speaker 2:I think he was trying to do both well. So if you look into the final solution, it says step one clear out these poles? Well no, step one is juice. Hold on what you.
Speaker 1:I don't like the twinkle I saw in your eye. When you said when you look into the final solution, what do you mean? You're like when you look into the final solution? And then you got a little too excited. You have to say it with a bit more of a history accent Well.
Speaker 2:So here's the thing is. I took a class on the Holocaust in college, taught by an old Jewish man.
Speaker 1:It was called yeah, that shit was sick. 101.
Speaker 2:And he embodied every negative Jewish stereotype so much. I came out of that class almost more anti-Semitic.
Speaker 1:No, that's not where I thought that was going, no, but he.
Speaker 2:so we're very pro-Jewish, we are.
Speaker 1:We're not. It's tough to say these days, it's tough to you know, really take any sides. Obviously, we have repeatedly said that we're pro-Palestine. But Jewish people are fucking hilarious. You guys keep it up.
Speaker 2:They are great, they crush it. One of my best friends is Jewish.
Speaker 1:I love you, guys, my cousins are Jewish.
Speaker 2:A lot of people mistake me for Jewish. I actually got. No one mistakes you for Jewish, you're like six foot four.
Speaker 1:You have blue eyes, there's nobody mistaking you for Jewish.
Speaker 2:Occasionally I'll catch a jewish. That's jewish people being like, oh, you could be one of us, my god, look at them strapping lad. Yeah, chanowski, that sounds very shabbat. So the final solution? I believe it was actually three steps. First step exterminate the jews. Second step, it was essentially enslave the uh, I can't remember what their term was it. I think it was like slovaks was their term slobs slobs, yeah, and enslave the slobs and that's where the word slave comes from.
Speaker 1:So that's returning them to their natural I mean literally.
Speaker 2:That's what they thought. It's like the slobs should be slaves I think the third stage was just kind of like fuck it, we ball world domination.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I I can never get on board. Well, I mean to touch on your point about the slavs. I think the germans and the slavs have never been able to get along since like the beginning of time, because when I mean there's, there's just nothing like everything about german people and the slavic people, germans and russians.
Speaker 1:They're the opposite on everything, like on one hand you have the fascist state and on the other hand you've got the, you have community yeah you've got communal politics, you've got like we're all the same, and the fascist state is like we're not all the same, we're the best and then they're like no, we're the same. Like dude, did you know? This is when the germans like first started building roads and railways. They went over the mountains into like Russia and they got there and they were like oh, they're like, who is? Who is in charge? Why am I doing a fucking Jewish?
Speaker 2:Who is in charge? Who is in charge of the village?
Speaker 1:Please take us to your leader. And the fucking. The people that they met in russia were just like mud farmers right like it was literally like the serfs, like had nothing, they were still doing serfdom, they had nothing to farm, so like the bread basket hadn't even really been like taken off yet. They're just starving at all times. And then the russian, you know, oligarchs are living so fucking far away from them and the germans are just like. So who is in charge? How do we? What are?
Speaker 2:we supposed to do structure where?
Speaker 1:where is, where is the constitution? They had no constitution. They wrote the original russian constitution in german that's really because they were so the germans were so annoyed that there was no order that they were like okay we're gonna.
Speaker 1:we will allow you to have a constitution, so we know who we are supposed to talk to. And the Russians are just like covering themselves in mud. They're just like putting mud on their head. They're living in mud houses, they're eating mud pies. And the Germans are just like we are going to kill all of these people. It's disgusting.
Speaker 2:Have you talked to any like real Russians now, Like in a guy who's really from Russia. Yeah, they have such an air it's horseshoe theory where it goes back with communism, where they have such an air of superiority about it.
Speaker 1:Like Soviet Union collapsed, we're still right Like we were crushing it in terms of like they talk all about, like, like the intellectual superiority of it I think there's a deep-seated um I there's something about like the russian aristocracy, like the, the, the freaks that those people are, that I don't think ever really left the soviet union either I think, that's why you ended up with like one you know party, you know uni, uni party politic.
Speaker 1:At the end of it is because, like I forget, this might have been young, but there was some idea about the russian person is like you have uh, oh fuck, I've got a good quote on it. The same word for detente where's my? Fucking phone. I've got a great quote on this like the, the soviet term for like the glassnest or perestroika?
Speaker 2:no, it's no, not one of those okay, so here's the russian language.
Speaker 1:Strength is the same word as coercion detente is the same word as unloading a gun and an end. Uh, and basically like his whole argument was, it was just like such an indefensible piece of land and nothing like it, just constantly being invaded nothing ever works. You're constantly having to be violent that they just became like the hardest, meanest fucking people the land's trying to kill you. That makes sense kill you, they taught unloading a gun.
Speaker 2:That's crazy that's their word for meetings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, to have a meeting is like you unload your gun yeah you can't have gun loaded that meeting. Of course you unload your gun that's fucking insane. And then strength is, or the same word for coercion is strength like, not even the idea I could convince him with words, but instead that we'll use large muscles and you will agree with me yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Coming from there, it's fucking. That's wild.
Speaker 1:All Okay, none of this is the shit that we're supposed to be starting about, but that is actually what I love about this podcast, and I love this.
Speaker 2:So here's where I'm not trying to lie. Well, I haven't introduced the theme yet, okay.
Speaker 1:So fucking. Whose podcast is it? Jesus Christ, this is talking about give a mouse a cookie.
Speaker 1:You invite somebody into your home and then the way that they fucking treat you. We are going to be covering, not the germans versus the russians. We are going to be covering, uh, john wilkes booth um, not only his assassination but probably his early life, because he is a pretty fascinating character. And, uh, we're just going to get into some of the conspiracies surrounding the murder um, what people believed could have happened during at the time, as well as what people believe now and then we'll probably get into. I think a lot of people don't know that this was a part of even if it wasn't a part of a much larger conspiracy in the sense that he had, like, big financial backers or some of the other things that we'll go through. This actually was quite a intricate plot that didn't just involve him killing lincoln, but involved a whole host of other people. Uh and I won't do any spoiler alerts, but they weren't just shooting lincoln that night yeah, they.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing I really want to cover that part, that part. I looked at it a lot more just general, like I think I got what happened down, like all the events and john wilkes booth as a guy I don't have as much of the like financial backing, conspiracy things like that.
Speaker 1:I don't have.
Speaker 2:I have some of that, but not nearly as much.
Speaker 1:But he is a fascinating guy. I got a good bit on his early life.
Speaker 2:I want to like what were your general takeaways about the guy, though I don't like, aside from the killing, Lincoln as a guy he feels like maybe.
Speaker 1:As a proud southerner, I have nothing bad to say about that. I don't have one Now. I am a Virginian and I hate he did yell Virginia's slogan when he shot Six Semper Tyrannus yeah he yelled Virginia's slogan. It's on our state flag. A lot of people think it's Virginia's for lovers, but that's the gay agenda. What it actually said was uh, virginia is for cock club now. Uh, he held uh six semper tyrannis, which I'm pretty sure means uh thus under tyrants.
Speaker 2:Yes, death on the tyrants, and I think he also this is. We will get into this more apparently. Some people say he said virginia has been avenged. Yeah, and what?
Speaker 1:pisses me off about. That is John Wilkes Booth is not from.
Speaker 2:Virginia.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, dude, that's why I fucking hate him, dude. And this is what I hate about people who wear the Confederate flag outside of Virginia. This is what I hate about people who because we talked about it in the last episode heritage not hate. It's like if you do it around Virginia, I can kind of at least understand it a little bit, because maybe there's a historical perspective. But like this is classic, kind of a northern effeminate guy acting like he's a fucking southerner and cosplaying as a Virginia. I cannot believe he yelled our fucking slogan and he I'm pretty sure I was looking into it. I don't. There's no proof he ever had been to Virginia before the assassination he had.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to get, I'm going to get into this. This is where we can get into the chronological order.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so his.
Speaker 2:We got to start with his dad. His dad, Junius Brutus Booth, was a little philanderer. He was fucking around a lot.
Speaker 1:I didn't know that he was an Englishman, yeah.
Speaker 2:And he, uh, when he was like 15 or something, he knocked up this lady, uh, mayor marie christine adelaide delanois and delanois delanois, like delanois roosevelt.
Speaker 1:No, oh, why?
Speaker 2:okay, yeah, um and so he's got a lot of like interesting threads with like relations okay, I haven't, I haven't gotten, I didn't get to that, but the so he's kind of he's fucking around in england a little bit name again uh, it is junius, brutus, booth the brutus thing is going to be fun. We're going to talk about yes that all that does come into play later.
Speaker 1:So I'm reading julius caesar right now. And julius caesar is it was perfect for this.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's coming back into it so junius brutus booth, he kind of like fucks around in england brutus.
Speaker 1:Let's call him big gay brutus big, big gay brutus.
Speaker 2:Okay, kind of fucks around in england and he has a couple kids there. He's like a troubled guy gets into acting are any of them edwin or john wilkes?
Speaker 1:no okay.
Speaker 2:so he gets into acting and he's pretty good at it, so he eventually.
Speaker 1:That's so funny that like that was his plan for making money for his family. It's like some people learn a trade, some people become an electrician and he goes I'm fucking. I think I'm going to get into acting yeah.
Speaker 2:No, it was literally his dad, instead of you know if you're a real bad kid here. They're like go fucking join the Marines or whatever they're like.
Speaker 1:You got to get into acting. You got to get into acting. They'll strain you out right there at the theater.
Speaker 2:Put a big tree outfit on, Put a big wig on and pretend to be a woman, because we don't let women pretend to be women during this time.
Speaker 1:You don't get that role.
Speaker 2:You don't get a speaking role, that early, when you first start, you're a big tree in the background going during midsummer night's dream and his dad goes to work and he says he's doing pretty good, he's a treat down at the play and midsummer next week they said that he might be a fairy and he's like fucking already is a fairy. He's big gay brutus so he eventually I I didn't really get into why.
Speaker 1:I think it's because he was kind of context sake, to give our listeners the idea of the time frame here. Um, at this point in England, have they started doing any other plays other than Shakespeare? No, no, no, not at all so it's been 200 years since the death of Shakespeare. They have not moved on.
Speaker 2:They're still playing the hits. They're still playing the hits.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's the fucking funniest part about that island they rock.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, they're great, so I don't necessarily know why he goes to America 1821.
Speaker 1:In 1821.
Speaker 2:Becomes a pretty successful actor, and he meets this lady, marianne Holmes, who is the mother of the rest of his children, john Wilkes Booth and Edwin Booth, and all the others.
Speaker 1:Any contact with the other family in england.
Speaker 2:So this is where this gets into it.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm sorry I'm leaving. No, keep going in your way, though.
Speaker 2:Keep going so he kind of he starts up, he's settles in bel-air, maryland and he gets this big estate called tudor hall. It's like 150 acres, no shit.
Speaker 1:That's where they all grow up. He's balling like that. Well, I guess back then in America you could literally just get anybody to have 100 acres.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go ahead and establish this now. The Booth family. What's the one thing everyone knows about John Wilkes Booth aside from the fact?
Speaker 1:that he killed LinkedIn. No, he's an actor.
Speaker 2:People don't realize that he was actually like one of the youngest, hottest starlets in the us it would literally was that big it would literally be like if timothy chalamet killed the president I had no idea that he was so fucking big. He was really fucking real.
Speaker 1:I thought edwin was more of the famous one, his, his brother edwin is like so it's okay, so it's the Wilson brothers, it's Luke and Owen Wilson. This is as if Luke Wilson shot the president. Owen Wilson is still doing movies. So from now on we're going to call him Luke and Owen Wilson. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:So his brother, Edwin, is the more popular one they're raised in this big acting family and they're nationally known. His dad like tours doing these shakespearean plays and it's like pretty well off because of it. Charlie, sheen, amelia, it's the sheen, it's the sheen family, that's actually so he's martin sheen, and uh, occasionally like for the most part he's he's an alcoholic, but he does. He is a good actor. So occasionally, like he'll make bad financial decisions, they'll be broke for a little bit. He'll make the money back.
Speaker 1:Very similar back then I think this happened to a lot of people. Very similar to like the Rockefellers origins. Like his dad same thing.
Speaker 2:Kennedy.
Speaker 1:At this era, everyone was like a traveling salesman, yeah, and like there was nothing to hold them down. I mean, this motherfucker has a family in England he will never have to see again. You could just get up one day and walk out on your family, get on a boat. You will never have to contact them ever again. And that is why women are fucking insane.
Speaker 2:Now it's like genuinely deep in their fucking core they have this DNA that men can just leave.
Speaker 1:And now that we don't leave them or yell at them, they are becoming men, right, Because they've got a fucking big paycheck. Now they're like oh, I can get my own credit card, I can buy my own bicycle. Fuck this guy dude.
Speaker 2:They still can't drive, luckily.
Speaker 1:Luckily they can't get too far, because they are at some point going to run out of oil because they never checked their oil. The only thing that is keeping the human race together is that women don't know how to put windshield wiper fluid in their fucking attire with 23 psi in it.
Speaker 2:That at all times and they've been like it's been this way for six months. It's it's probably fine, it's worked itself out at this point.
Speaker 1:When I was dating my girlfriend, every time I would go out to visit her. When we were doing long distance, um rip, wish she was still alive. But when we were doing long distance, every time I would go out to visit her, I would have to fucking, I would just take her car to the gas station and do everything. Every single time I'd be like you haven't done anything. You haven't done any of the things I've shown you. I mean, all of the tires were like borderline flat. No windshield, wiper, fluid, oil needed to be changed, and she's got a tiny little toyota corolla. So I gotta go fucking find, you know, go find some blocks I can drive it up on put it on a curb one day.
Speaker 1:I just put it on a curb like outside of an exxon mobile in la and just drained her oil pan. I mean she, the girls, that's the only thing that's keeping us together.
Speaker 2:So, ladies, I'm glad you guys still don't know how to drive yeah, ashley, for like a year and a half had a tire that she'd fill up and it'd be like flat a week and a half later yeah and she's like I got to go down and get air and I'm like you just got to go to your tire and she was like I don't know it's, I just got it. And I was like it doesn't matter when you got it.
Speaker 1:There's a fucking hole. How did I do it? And it's because she, every time she parks, she scrapes the fucking sidewall against every curb. Every woman parks by finding the curb and driving yeah, they go.
Speaker 2:That's how you know you're settled in that's how you know you're locked in.
Speaker 1:It's when you're locked into the curb.
Speaker 2:The sidewalk grabs you in your car, so you don't even need to put it in park.
Speaker 1:The sidewalk takes care of it also young men out there, because I know that a lot of the young men uh especially well, thailand, they probably all know how to do stuff, but a lot of the young men have lost the ability to uh to fend for themselves. If you're in a pinch and you don't have a lift, find a curb that's a little bit on a hill and drive your car up onto that curb and you can fucking get underneath to the oil pan there there you go.
Speaker 1:That's a little makeshift lift if you ever need one yeah, I've.
Speaker 2:I've never gone that far. I usually have the jack with me. Yeah, you gotta have the jack with you, gotta have the jack.
Speaker 1:It's kind of a pain in the ass to do you know?
Speaker 2:oh yeah, it's also fucking terrifying you feel like this jack you haven't touched in five years is going to break at any moment.
Speaker 1:The car is gonna fall on top of you gotta get just a floor jack, dude, I keep a floor jack in the back of the truck, but listen, I I'm a truck guy, so I don't know.
Speaker 2:man, it's probably not relatable to you, since you drive a Honda CRV hey, it's all right, it's a very reliable vehicle. Hey, you drive a fucking Toyota. You know, let's not act like we're all Americans here.
Speaker 1:I got two F-350s okay that I pay taxes on. So I don't want to hear it. Those are the work. They're somewhere down there in Stafford doing the Lord's work bringing trash to people there we go, anyways, john Wilkes Booth, so he's doing theater.
Speaker 2:Bringing trash to people by the way.
Speaker 1:That's not what we do. We take away your trash. You have a service where you bring trash to people. We bring more trash to your house. You pick up the trash from DC and you bring it to the fucking people at Fredericksburg. Hey, man, we got some trash, yeah, yeah, yeah uh, so he's doing.
Speaker 2:He's doing theater, kind of growing up. They're all growing up, his eventually, one of the kids from the old family comes back to america and his dad does one of the funniest things ever, which is this is from the old family this is yeah, martin one of martin sheen's original kids comes back.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And he is. One of the Estevez's yeah one of the Estevez's comes back and he's like Martin's, like yeah, I don't have a family here. He's just like trying to lie about it yeah. And eventually that kid.
Speaker 1:He's just hiding them out in Bel Air.
Speaker 2:He's literally just hiding 10 kids in a 150 acre plot of land In Bel Air. In acre plot of land in bel-air, in bel-air, maryland by the way, you could still get 150 acres in bel-air for like fucking 200, and you don't have to tell your wife about it.
Speaker 1:That's your compound, I had a guy. This is what the episode is going to be. We're going to be doing a lot of this I had a buddy who's uh, his name was michael and he was my brother's best friend growing up on cardinal drive, which is like a fucking shithole in woodbridge. It was pretty sick, though. I mean everybody in that little neighborhood like at least one person went to jail. In every family we got two, hell yeah beautiful to us.
Speaker 1:Um we were, we were 100 on it, but um, this guy, michael, his dad. After the mom died, his dad hired a hitman to kill michael and his only son yeah went to jail for it.
Speaker 1:Um, and I remember talking to my brother and I was like just recently, because I had always thought that it was for the inheritance and I was like how much was the inheritance? It was like like 40 grand. I was like he was gonna kill him for 40 grand he goes. Oh no, he just wanted to kill him because michael's an asshole yeah michael just recently had to move. I hope nobody. What are the odds? His family listens to this.
Speaker 1:Michael just had to move most of his family out to like Winchester way out in Virginia because his kids started going to the same school as his second family, and so he had two like he has like eight kids from two different women and they just started like, and they started being like wait, we have the same last name, so he grabbed all like one half of the family, took them out to like Front Royal and he's still just like booking it back and forth to them.
Speaker 2:And that's why you need to be able to get on a boat and go to a different country and become a traveling actor.
Speaker 1:Having two families is sick.
Speaker 2:Yeah, We've really we really abandoned that part of society and now it creates, because the woman is never fucking happy, so you got to just have one woman that's happy, one woman that's in a bad mood. That's the way to live life.
Speaker 1:That's the only way to live life. I think the Mormons got it right, and so did the Taliban. Those are the two. Shout out to the Taliban. Shout out to the fucking LDS.
Speaker 2:They're holding it down strong. So this lady, marianne Holmes, Juan. Estevez shows up.
Speaker 1:Juan Estevez shows up juan estevez shows up and she's pissed at martin sheen, and she is essentially wife two.
Speaker 2:This is this wife one, oh yeah, of course she comes to america, comes to america, oh fuck and so for people say this is like john had a really weird relationship with women and they think it starts here because this lady essentially just followed the family around like a banshee and would just like go to the farmer's market when john was with his mom, marianne holmes, and she'd be like you're a fucking slut, your son's a bastard, and they're like we're trying to sell radishes.
Speaker 1:This is. You need to take this up with martin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, so young charlie sheen young charlie sheen yeah charlie sheen is seeing like uh, this is why charlie sheen starts doing crack this is like. The exact reason is because he's starting to see where is martin sheen at this point, like had he done? Had he done like wall street?
Speaker 2:yet uh, yeah, he was in wall street or charlie sheen. No, yes, martin sheen on wall street. Okay, greed is good, yeah, okay yeah, that's dad and son.
Speaker 1:That's crazy.
Speaker 2:But martin's still traveling and then this this lady's. Uh yeah, he's famous and eventually he divorces this lady. She fucks off back to england yeah and they're just kind of chilling back in baltimore at that point. So that's, that's just like kind of why he has a weird upbringing and people think he has this weird relationship with women.
Speaker 1:So he's not doing polygamy, he's doing dualigamy. Yeah, bilygamy, bilygamy, bilygamy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't even know he's bilingual. Yeah, he's bilingual. I mean Estevez Sheen, you know he's got both of them, so and you know he's got both of them yeah. So he, john, starts going to these different schools out in Maryland and like he's a pretty popular kid, he's like athletic, he's like a really good horseman, yeah, and this one big thing happens when he's a child is there's just a Romani fortune teller, that's what Wikipedia said.
Speaker 1:A gypsy, ok, comes through and does palm reading and also does his driveway.
Speaker 2:yeah, also sprays, yeah well, they have 150 acres, so they're camped out on there. They have to go through the city to a victim. It's a whole process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, bring out a fucking you know, a white ford pickup truck. They're like we're gonna stay here for a while, aren't she?
Speaker 2:goes. Thank god we're not in england so I can get these people off my land without the government interfering. Thank god I have guns.
Speaker 1:Yeah, these people out we've talked about this on the podcast a bunch, so I'm not going to go back into it. But for like an entire summer one of my best friends was a gypsy growing up and I we didn't really know it at the time.
Speaker 1:But uh, they had an asphalt business and I went and worked for them for like one summer. Dude, we would just show up and be like, hey, can we do your driveway? We tell people we were doing their driveway pretty cheap price. Everybody's like fuck yeah, dude, all we were doing was just spraying the ceiling on it so it looked like a brand new driveway, and then it would start to crack in like three months and so they've already skipped out, they've already fucking.
Speaker 1:No, it wouldn't skip down. They'd stay in fredericksburg. They'd change the name of the asphalt business, that's so it would be like one day it'd be 1-800-ASFAULT, the next day it would be like driveways by us, like every like you know, a year Truly chipping people 100%. And now they are one of the biggest asphalt. Now they're legit. They're one of the biggest asphalt businesses in Fredericksburg.
Speaker 2:They've got state contracts. They eventually had to go back and do things right and people were like you know, this is pretty nice, they actually do a good job when they try hard.
Speaker 1:Those fucking boys were the wildest kids you've ever fucking met, I'm sure, dude.
Speaker 2:It's when you get outside the idea of the familial home and everything these kids are running around and their parents are like yeah, we're doing all these wild things, you have no sense of structure At all.
Speaker 1:Dude we one day, for no reason there was a day, this, I guess the state, the County had come in and put a speed bump on the way into the neighborhood that they lived in. They lived the back, like way back in this cul-de-sac, uh, behind like a like a family video, and they had a huge fucking like a state back there where, like, all of the brothers and sisters could live.
Speaker 2:so everybody had like their own house and shit and they had their own shack, each other on chat, but like nice, you know.
Speaker 1:But they had one. They had the county had put a speed bump there and so they couldn't get their like. They had their lowered trucks that they couldn't get over. They had a uh, a chevy s10. You remember those, uh, those, you know. Let me look it up we would have to like fucking. Lift the vehicle to get it over the speed bump.
Speaker 1:So one day, instead of doing driveways, we went out there with fucking jackhammers, destroyed the speed bump and just re-fucking paved it over so they had a nice smooth driveway, so they could get that fucking S10 out of there.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful, it was fucking.
Speaker 1:they were the funniest family. Shout out Mike dude, if you're out there, buddy me up, man, I love you.
Speaker 2:So he goes and gets his palm read and this is like a pivotal moment in his life. And this is where I start to kind of find him really annoying yeah so this fortune teller, the fortune is uh.
Speaker 2:She reads his hand and she says uh, you have a bad hand full of sorrow and trouble. Uh, you're going to break hearts, but there'll be nothing to you. You'll die young and leave many to mourn you. You'll make a bad end. Young sir, I've never seen a worst hand and I wish I hadn't seen it. But if I were a girl I'd follow you through the world for your handsome face. So she wanted to smash he's literally charlie sheen he dude he he is literally charlie sheen this
Speaker 2:is fucking awesome so yeah, charlie sheen is he's. He's going through school. He's a fine student yes I think there was like one headmaster who was like he's a smart kid, but doesn't apply himself.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I'm picturing the gypsy reading the one hand and then she goes all right, let me see the other hand. She looks at this hand. She's like, yeah, pretty normal, it's fine.
Speaker 2:Also, I picture the way she says it, like when she's like if I was a young girl, I'd follow you around she says all this like super, like deep ominous stuff, and then she goes and if, like, if I were a young girl I was probably right like it's just what I used to be able to do in my younger times, dude.
Speaker 2:And then she fucking like strangles a black cat and she turns into a young woman for like four minutes, yeah yeah, so he wrote that down in his diary and I think that is kind of a moment where, like this is him being annoying and being an artist, where he's like I'm just like doomed, I'm a troubled soul, you know I'm so twisted yeah, I'm so dark, anybody who's?
Speaker 1:keeping a journal or a diary you can't trust that guy dude. That's it, that's so that's the reason of all of the presidents fdr only one to not keep a diary really everybody else kept a diary fdr. They went back through his diary and it would be like we had tea today and that would be it. It would. It was just like, very simple. Just like what happened that day, but no fucking inflection on it, no deeper analysis behind it no rumination.
Speaker 1:And then they talked to people around FDR and they're like dude, it's because it was all in his head he wouldn't talk to anyone, he wouldn't trust anyone, but he was like a machine, just constantly matriculating new ideas, new, different things that he could do. He was playing everyone around him at all times against other people, didn't write any of it down. He's the fucking sickest.
Speaker 2:FDR rocks. That's funny because I do the same. I try and journal for gratitude and it's literally just like I did two shows yesterday. Like that's it. But I don't have any of what he's got going on upstairs. It's just because I'm so online that I'm not present anywhere.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even through your journal. You're like can I copy and paste this?
Speaker 2:yeah, exactly, can I write this for me?
Speaker 1:tell ai what you did that day and be like so what do you think about that? Yeah, what? How should I feel about this? I've already the machines already have. Yeah, cooked.
Speaker 2:So he starts going around and he goes to he philadelphia and baltimore to be a stock actor, which like a stock stock so, stock actor, like the way you would learn to act in that time is like literally what you were saying, where you go in and like day one, they're like all right, you're a tree and then eventually, you know you work your way up and you become an actor.
Speaker 1:So he's there, he's doing some stock I was thinking the stock actor would be one of those guys they put in the stocks you know, you remember when you would go to a renaissance fair. Yeah, and there'd be a guy like in the middle of the town in the stocks being like oh please, somebody bring me some water I can't wait.
Speaker 2:You would shoot the president if that was the job.
Speaker 1:And people are just walking by you like you fucking piece of shit. And he's like aye, my crimes aren't that bad, please just spare me a morsel and you throw like a tomato at him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we need more public shame, yeah, 100%. So, he goes to Philadelphia and Baltimore.
Speaker 1:But that's not what he's doing, he's just an extra. Yeah, okay he's.
Speaker 2:But so he starts getting some prominent roles and people don't like him because he's like a scene stealer, like he'll be like. He's really like bombastic like in terms of acting style.
Speaker 1:So we'll get into his brother more as we go along he's the tree supposed to be blowing in the wind, and then he'll just walk out and be like et tu brutus.
Speaker 2:In the middle of the play.
Speaker 1:And they're like why is the tree Caesar now?
Speaker 2:So yeah, the way Julius Caesar dies is the tree falls on him in the sun.
Speaker 1:A thousand pointy branches upon thee, sir.
Speaker 2:And so people don't like him because he's a scene stealer. So he's kind of he's going out, everyone's trying to do their set. He's just doing crowd work and blowing up the room for for everyone else, and so he goes down to richmond to be a stock actor there, and this is where he really falls in love with the south.
Speaker 1:So like what year are we?
Speaker 2:talking. This is like in the like late mid to late 1850s like he's like 17 at the time and he died in 65 when he was 26.
Speaker 1:So they had invented the barrel? At this point I would assume yeah, the barrel was there. They were probably like but it's before the plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's post-barrel pre-plane Maybe, like I'd say they probably had like twine. That was twine was like hot on the streets but they didn't have supreme yet. No, twine no supreme, yeah, so that's, that's just a level set where we are historically, yeah, and he starts to really flourish in richmond, and I think this is where also scoot in a little bit, you might be a tiny bit out of frame but I can't stop laughing about twine the he, he really starts to flourish in Richmond and so pretty much he's like this Northern, like Tik TOK kid who like comes from a family and he's like a Nepo baby.
Speaker 2:And then he's like, all right, he goes, he's like I and he's like a nepo baby. And then he's like, all right, he goes, he's like I. People think the sec is cool, I'm gonna go to an sec school, yeah, and he, within like a month, he's talking with a southern accent and he's like dad, but he's fucking.
Speaker 1:He's an alabama boy, he's a jersey kid.
Speaker 2:Roll tide at people, yeah, he calls his dad, he's like I gotta get an f-150 yeah, you know he's doing sec culture.
Speaker 1:He's roofing girls 100 percent. That's joined a frat yeah, he's pledged and he's loving it.
Speaker 2:He's going back and he's telling all his boys.
Speaker 1:How great it is like so, so sick dude.
Speaker 2:I only had to touch a penis for the first three weeks and everything after that's been gravy dude I think the sec does it kind of right there, where they're like listen, we've suppressed any homosexual urges our entire life, let's just get it out in like a month, right, let's do it. And then also, after you're married to your wife for 20 years, you have a gay family, you guys meet up together once again.
Speaker 1:Back at the SEC fraternity house In the basement and everybody's just kind of like walking away too quick.
Speaker 2:In the basement of Delta Sigma Phi, georgia At 285 South Milledge Avenue. Is that your fraternity? Yeah, yeah, okay, hell yeah, were you in a frat oh yeah, did you guys have to do gay shit? No, no gay shit.
Speaker 1:Shit, do you feel kind of robbed?
Speaker 2:You know, apparently some of the fraternities did do gay shit and at the time I was very much like glad I'm not doing gay shit.
Speaker 1:Come back, dude, had to classic we should have played the hits well that's the thing is, we weren't.
Speaker 2:We weren't like one of the old row fraternities, so that's why we didn't do gay shit, what's an old row? Sae sigma chi, fiji, chi phi ka. Those were the old rows okay, what does that mean? That's like. Those were the ones that were like established in like 1870 and like, if you look on, like the time to be established, like the yeah, if you. When all of a sudden they started needing uh groups to meet in clandestine ways, yeah, so uh for these old row.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no specific headwear.
Speaker 2:Uh, I'm sure they do, but this is like I mean to. So when I was at Georgia like you have to do rush and you get I I described my fraternity. We were upper middle class, that's where we were, but the high class, like Old South, those were the older fraternities, and so the way it worked is you'd recruit a pledge class, your recruitment chair would do that and we'd still be giving guys bids the week before. I remember someone was talking to the KA Rush chair and it was like April 1st of the year before and they're like we have our pledge class filled out already because it's all guys who's like dads were KAs, their grandpas were KAs, their like everyone was a KA at Georgia and their family.
Speaker 2:Like I remember, I had a friend who was in a group project with this guy in SAE, which is like the our audience is in Thailand.
Speaker 1:Well, be speaking in regardless.
Speaker 2:So this guy this guy has to go to the SAe, has to do a group project and he's in his room and he's like, oh, this is a cool room.
Speaker 1:And he's a group project for frat? No, no, just like a business class no like, let's meet here class and uh, it's literally like oh, my grandpa lived in this room, my dad lived in this room, my great uncle like lived in this room, yeah, no, like legitimately, like old south, like secret, like society you know, and all of the secret society is just like a place where you can close all the doors and say the n-word yeah, that's all they want to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so, uh, he goes down I hate that version of the south.
Speaker 1:I do shout out to virginia for being the only fucking cool state in the south. Dude, georgia rocks, don't even do that.
Speaker 2:I've said Virginia for being the only fucking cool state in the South Dude Georgia rocks. Don't even do that. I've said it for years.
Speaker 1:dude, I wish Virginia would have fucking seceded from everybody.
Speaker 2:Georgia is so sick. Do not even try. I'll tell you right now. Georgia is the reason you went down to Savannah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you guys are the reason that the South lost the war.
Speaker 2:What do you mean If they could just fucking hold? Virginia was after virginia got run through.
Speaker 1:When did we get run through? I don't know. I'm just saying we're like 80 wins in virginia. I mean they had no chance. That's why they had to go around to the weak part of the south is because nobody could get but that was also after like the.
Speaker 2:At that point wasn't the war pretty much considered over? When they were going to atlanta, good luck when they were dismantling terminus they couldn't get through Virginia.
Speaker 1:There was nothing they could do.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, they go down to Atlanta dismantle the railroads.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they went right down through Atlanta where all the fucking old row homos were. All they did is they just sent a boy out there with his pants around his ankles and all the fucking fraternities started just chasing him around. They were like get back here, you got some sweet cheeks, we got to hold your dick for a little bit. And then that's how the South lost the war.
Speaker 2:Okay, good to know. I mean Georgia still rocks.
Speaker 1:It's gay, but keep going.
Speaker 2:Dude, are you kidding me? Atlanta, Savannah, St John's.
Speaker 1:Island. Listen, I don't want this to derail the podcast.
Speaker 2:So he finally starts really getting a good start and his brother comes down and acts with him at the Richmond Theater and his brother Edwin, who's Emilio Estevez he's Charlie Sheen and Emilio, at the end of this play, tells everyone to give it up for Charlie when Charlie played Horatio in Hamlet.
Speaker 2:And Emilio was, I think, Hamlet in the play and he's like give it up for Charlie Crusher and he's like, fuck yeah, he's so amped on it but his acting style is like he does a lot of stunts and he does a lot of very bombastic things and Emilio is more just like subtle, like legit mighty doctor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, platoon exactly exactly, and so he is like a little resentful for that because his brother's getting more respect than him. Yeah, and this is where him and his brother's relationship kind of falters, because everyone's like Emilio, sweet guy, we love him, and he ends up becoming like he supports the union cause. Obviously, the shit's all bubbling up like prior to the Civil War and Charlie Sheen loves the South so much that he's like I'm rocking with the Confederacy. Fucking these sorority girls are hot. This is way better.
Speaker 1:Does he join the war? No, of course he doesn't.
Speaker 2:He doesn't join the war part of the reason. So he's a huge mama's boy. Yeah, his, he was his mom's favorite child and his mom would not let him join the confederacy right, which I think that's what you say when you just don't want to join it.
Speaker 1:My mom said I can't. Yeah, my mom said I would love to support the confederacy but unfortunately my mom said I can't, my brother, he's a union guy.
Speaker 2:So my mom like it'd be awkward at thanksgiving, even though it's literally called the war of brothers versus brothers. Yeah, she said we're not doing that, we're not allowed to do that, that's just. It's just the way our family does stuff. Yeah, it's not a big deal and just real quick.
Speaker 1:So if anybody's wondering what the cause of the civil war is, uh, I think hemingway said this in uh, for whom the bell tolls? Uh, it's because, uh, abraham lincoln really wanted to have gay sex with grant and robert e lee had to put an end to that oh, we're gonna get into.
Speaker 2:That is a line from for who the bell? Really? That's so funny very funny.
Speaker 1:It's like he's just, they're like talking at a bar and he's trying to explain the civil war to like a spanish guy and they're like what was the civil war about? And he's like a fucking. Lincoln was like really gay and he wanted to have gay sex with grant like all the time. And robert e lee was like dude stop, as sally describes it.
Speaker 2:So he's, he's touring the south and he's becoming like he essentially becomes like a millionaire, like he's like from acting, yeah, back then, oh yeah, and like they're doing write-ups of him. He's starting to do some of like the northern uh, the northern theaters circuit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, he's getting out of the chitlin circuit. He's getting out of the chitlin circuit.
Speaker 2:He's doing some of that city and he's kind of making a bad name for himself and like him and his brother are going at it publicly because he's like south rocks they should like black people should be slaves, he's. He's very like he has a paternalistic view of black people in slavery yeah, they didn't have slaves growing up, but his dad would hire slaves. People always forget maryland has slaves. Yeah, his dad would hire slaves. People always forget Maryland has slaves, his dad would hire slaves on their farm, so he'd rent them as day labor.
Speaker 1:So he's working that into a Midsummer Night's Dream. Yeah, he's supposed to be a fairy.
Speaker 2:Puck is supposed to be playing little pranks on everyone and he goes. They shouldn't be able to vote.
Speaker 1:Maybe the real problem is the Negro problem. And everyone's like what the fuck? Yeah, and so eventually, like things kind of hit a head when Just fucking Hamlet, talking to the skull, he's just being, he's just sitting there being like it's the war of Northern aggression.
Speaker 2:Alas, poor York, if it weren't for these slaves.
Speaker 1:Hell yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it really comes to a head in Maryland where he's a sympathizer and Lincoln establishes this is like when the war has already started. Lincoln suspends habeas corpus. Talked about this in the last episode.
Speaker 1:Lincoln steals the Maryland legislature.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and he does martial law in Baltimore.
Speaker 1:Does martial law in Baltimore because he knows that Maryland is still sympathetic to the South, because it is a southern state. And right when the Maryland legislature is about to vote on which side they're supposed to take, federal troops, take everyone from the maryland legislature and put them in an internment camp that they spend the entire war in this internment really I didn't know this and so francis scott key, who wrote-Spangled Banner while he was in a British prison looking at the American flag during the. War of 1812, he writes the Star-Spangled Banner.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:His grandson is one of the. Maryland legislators.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:He gets kidnapped by Lincoln, obviously put in an internment camp and he writes a response poem to the national anthem, the Star Spangled Banner.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:About looking at the same flag, because he's in a prison where he can see the same flag and he hates Lincoln and he writes about just how sad it is of what that symbol has come to represent and he's just like fucking you know it's like, like you know, in the home of the brave, and then he's writing and he's like in the home of people who aren't allowed to own black people anymore. It's fucked up it's it's a.
Speaker 1:Really you actually should read the poem, but so, um, it is pretty funny to think that you know very similar to your ae story or whatever the sae where you were you were like oh, I was held in the same prison that my grandfather was yeah, no. American flag's still on the wall dude, that's very fraternity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's all about brotherhood at the end of the day, that's what it all boils down to. Right, it's about brotherhood and sucking your friends off and then never talking about it again it's just brotherhood, yeah, so far, yeah, that's brotherhood.
Speaker 1:So we're definitely my brother, I'd suck we're definitely skipping a couple years.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty sure during this time he's just like touring pre-microwave, pre-microwave, yeah yeah, okay, pre-microwave.
Speaker 1:I do think so he's touring during the civil war. Yes, so it's very similar to like an actor during Vietnam and just like finding a way out of the Vietnam, like it's as if it would be the same way that, like Hanoi Jane was, like Jane Fonda was going around like talking shit about Doing USO tours Doing. Uso tours talking about how sick the Vietnamese army is and how America is the bad guy for US troops.
Speaker 1:Yes, and US troops are just like what the fuck dude so he's in new york going around being like dude, this fucking south wars are so good.
Speaker 2:You guys are so gay, man, we should.
Speaker 1:Y'all ever hooked up with a tridel, yeah and he's sitting there just being like why aren't you in the war? And he's like fucking my mom's we got it.
Speaker 2:We can't do it, it's my. You gotta talk to my mom about that, okay, so then what happens? So this is where things start to get juicy. So Charlie Sheen does a lot of cocaine and he comes up with a plot, not to kill Lincoln, but to kidnap him.
Speaker 1:Yes, so they can free the Maryland legislators.
Speaker 2:No, it's so that they can ransom him for Southern troops.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, and so they thought they would ransom him for southern troops.
Speaker 2:oh, okay and so they thought they would ransom him for southern troops. Obviously that's a big strategic victory. And then also the union. The whole time was not uh. The union was this is, let's see how this goes. The union was essentially being like how israel is with gaza, where they're like palestine, where they're like they're not a real state, like they're not we don't mess with them.
Speaker 2:No, no, no. So just the union in general was like how Israel is like Palestine's not a country. So that's why we don't do deals with them, because they don't.
Speaker 1:they're not the union's doing that with the Confederacy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the union's, like the Confederacy, is not a real organization, and so he thought it would give legitimacy if they had to go negotiate with the confederates they'd have to acknowledge.
Speaker 1:So he's trying to do october 7th. He's trying to do charlie sheen's trying to do october 7th. He's trying to do october 7th, but unfortunately this is pre the invention of the hang glider.
Speaker 2:No one has invented the hang glider yet also, there's no music festivals too, so he doesn't have a venue to get it going.
Speaker 1:Yeah Right, do they have renaissance fairs at this point?
Speaker 2:That's a good question. I mean, his whole life was a renaissance fair. His dad was English, he was a stock actor, yeah.
Speaker 1:So he's in the stocks going. Please, I want a morsel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, yeah so he's in the stocks going. Please, I want a morsel. Yeah, okay, so Charlie Sheen gets these other two guys.
Speaker 1:Is the war over at this?
Speaker 2:point the war has not ended. When he has this plot, this is in 64.
Speaker 1:Got it.
Speaker 2:This is when the South is kind of on its heels, right, and that's why he's like we got to go get the troops to put this in a bow.
Speaker 1:At the end of the day, he's a patriot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, at the end of the day, he loves his country and he gets these two guys in this plot with him. It's Sam Arnold and Michael O'Loughlin.
Speaker 1:Oh, so these guys are not from the second plot? No, no, they aren't.
Speaker 2:But they come back in the epilogue.
Speaker 1:And why do they like him? Just because he's very charismatic.
Speaker 2:This whole time. All these characters we're about to introduce, they're either confederate soldiers or confederate sympathizers who are from like maryland. So these are just like guys, he knows from school pretty much, so they're like dude charlie's fucking rich now and and then charlie sheen comes back coked out and he's like we got to kidnap the press he's a white woman with purple hair who is joined to blm.
Speaker 1:Yes, he's a white woman who is joined to blm and he's trying to get everybody to throw bricks. And they're like are you sure we shouldn't just like march, like peacefully? And he's like no, seriously, we have to like fucking throw.
Speaker 2:you gotta make it, you gotta show them that you're, that you really can't stand, really mean it, that you care.
Speaker 1:A riot is the voice of the people. Right and all of the black people, which is the South, are sitting around and being like I'm pretty sure that the federal government put those pallets of bricks there Can we please not throw these at the fucking and they're like seriously, we need to burn down this community center.
Speaker 2:And the black people are like this is our neighborhood, Can you go back?
Speaker 1:to doing theater. Please go back to your theater. Tiktoks yeah, 100%.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm on board now Knock on wood.
Speaker 1:If you're with me, shout out John Gruden, yeah.
Speaker 2:Shadron State, danny Woodhead. So the plot is Lincoln goes up to old soldier's home in the summer in North DC, which is kind of funny. He had a summer house. I was just two and a half miles away from the White House. You know what's even funnier.
Speaker 1:I have performed there.
Speaker 2:Really. Oh yeah, the DC Improv does shows at Lincoln's Cottage.
Speaker 1:I have performed underneath the room in which they wrote the Emancipation Proclamation.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And then I was down there just being like you eating they're just fucking. All of these history nerds are just like why the fuck did they do this show here?
Speaker 2:yeah, 150 years later I'm asking people how they eat pussy. Yeah, okay, you're saying I could jerk you off. Yeah, lincoln's right, come see me live. Lincoln's doing that big speech and the daniel daylors is doing that big speech in the movie and you're like I could drain these guys I'd empty you.
Speaker 1:I could tell you don't have enough cum. So lincoln.
Speaker 2:Apparently a lot of people think he would go there to have gay sex. Yeah, that's, and so they anyway. Yes yeah, so charlie sheen and his two boys are not fond of them. Okay, we're gonna have gay sex too. Yep, um, the they're not fond of him. They're gonna kidnap him on his way there.
Speaker 1:There's no secret service, he just rides by himself at night no shit, yeah, which is crazy to think during the civil war at the meeting lincoln was also a pretty like paranoid man too, which is crazy that he was just which is why they kidnapped the maryland legislative is because they they couldn't be surrounded by both maryland and yeah I mean.
Speaker 2:So lincoln obviously did the right thing and is on the right side of history, his corpus, but yes, and but like the, there was a southern argument of essentially, like he is doing, a bunch of unconstitutional things that are. Yeah, he is like and this is one of john wilkes booth's big gri Yep Is he's spending habeas corpus. He's arresting legislatures.
Speaker 1:Because John Wilkes Booth literally thinks he's Brutus, Like he actually is obsessed with the idea that he's Brutus.
Speaker 2:So, yes, I passed over this. His favorite play was Julius Caesar. Yep and his favorite line to say was like Brutus' big line? Well no, was like brutus's big line? Well no, I think in the play brutus says six semper tyrannis yes, exactly yeah, and so it's.
Speaker 1:It's not because he loves uh virginia so much he's in full character yeah, he's in full character, so actually he's less like charlie sheen and he's more like daniel day lewis. In that sense it's as if charlie sheen thought that during the uh, the filming of platoon, he had actually joined the Vietnam.
Speaker 2:War or Full Metal Jacket? Well, he was, because he was doing heroin. Correct, correct yeah.
Speaker 1:And fucking. He thought he was in Thailand because it turns out. He's in like the Philippines, but yeah, no, so he is.
Speaker 2:He's a full blown method actor. I love Charlie Sheen shooting Lincoln, jumping on the stage and going winning.
Speaker 1:Tiger blood. Tiger blood shooting lincoln, jumping on the stage and going, uh, winning tiger blood, yeah, yeah yeah shoots lincoln in the back of the head. It just fucking jumps off, goes tiger, blood breaks his leg. He's bleeding everywhere, yeah yeah, so I have aids, uh, so he's also here's one thing we didn't cover, though, why everything that I've read about john wilkes booth? They've said he's athletic but, this is before sports are invented. So how did they measure his athleticism?
Speaker 2:it was by his like stunts and feats on stage and this is also something that pissed me off about him when he was a theater kid, like he was known for. So his brothers tom hanks he's tom cruise, you know tom h respected just crushes the role Union sympathizer. And then Tom Cruise is running around like flying F-16s doing quadruple backflips with no fucking parachute Like he's doing. So John Wilkes Booth is like Tom Cruise in that sense.
Speaker 1:I thought maybe he was just like the best guy at that game where you keep the wheel rolling with the stick.
Speaker 2:Just he could keep that they do talk about his forearms a lot. That's how you had to get big forearms back. It's like have you seen how long you can keep the wheel going yeah he can like, do it all the way around Baltimore dude yeah, so he would get done with going through Charlie, do you?
Speaker 1:imagine right now Charlie Sheen going through Cherry Hill, which is the notorious notorious, if you've seen the Wire, that's Cherry.
Speaker 2:Hill.
Speaker 1:He's just going through the Wire neighborhood with the wheel and the stick, just being like winning.
Speaker 2:It's also very funny to think about him having a Maryland accent and plotting to kill the president. We're going to blow the president's brains out.
Speaker 1:On Tuesday, we got to kill the president, we got to kill the president, blue Lincoln's brains out.
Speaker 2:On tuesday. We got to kill the president, kill the president. Oh, we should blue lincoln's brains out.
Speaker 1:Hon, yeah, I'll do that on stage. That's hilarious dude. Uh shit man so he he's.
Speaker 2:At this time. They're meeting at mary surratt's house. So john surratt is just another one of these. Like maryland kids, he knows from school yeah, confederate sympathizers.
Speaker 1:This is first plot.
Speaker 2:Kidnap, yes, some people think he's a confederate spy and uh, the the surratt's end up becoming a pretty big plot in this.
Speaker 1:So, and now their house is walk and roll walk and roll where you can go and do karaoke and get yeah and asian people will, uh, will put you in a small room, uh, and you can sing karaoke with sushi being. You can sing wide open spaces, yeah, and you know, because you have some girls with you and you want to sing country, but you have to you know.
Speaker 2:Make sure they're not upset about it right, right.
Speaker 1:So you gotta do the chicks.
Speaker 2:You can't call them the dixie Chicks. So that plan gets scrapped once the war is over. Obviously You're going to kidnap them at that point. John still thinks that the South still has a chance to win the war because the Army of Tennessee technically hasn't surrendered. But that's just like an administrative. They haven't met up to surrender yet.
Speaker 1:So that's the only reason it hasn't happened. That's the best part about the Civil War. People don't realize that, that it's like truly a confederacy yeah, no one's on the same team like that's why like whenever we talk about the civil war and people be like, oh, the confederate, I'm like no, no, no, virginia I. I have no claim over anybody else. I think we should have gone with west virginia, but like we have no claim over anybody else, like it's their shit, we don't do any of that at the beginning of the confederacy.
Speaker 2:One of the big conversations and this is why you know the united states failed as a confederacy is they're like guys, what uniform colors are we doing?
Speaker 1:yeah, but that really helps in the battle of manassas, which you'll hear that podcast if you go back and listen. We talk about that a lot um stonewall jackson uses that to his advantage multiple times. But I do. I always wish that, like my area of the world, would have gone with west virginia because, like nobody in that, our area, like shenandoah valley, impossible to have slaves. There's just nothing.
Speaker 2:There's no, there's nothing there, there's no prop to grow.
Speaker 1:I mean like it's just irish people fighting native americans for the last like 300 years. We should have gone with west virginia. I grew up 15 minutes from the west virginia border, 20 minutes from the west virginia border and like an hour two hours from richmond.
Speaker 2:I don't know why we fucking went I think in georgia we should have just stayed autistic doing our trains. That's what I. I think, dude, yeah, you guys had great trains, we did, and that is one thing that people don't talk about the civil war.
Speaker 1:The actual start of the civil war was because they chose to build the uh. Take all of the taxes from the south and use it to build better trains up north and they moved the continental railroad up north instead of what it should have gone through to the south, which was much, much, much further developed yeah, they needed to export all the fucking materials, right and so they had, and they had all the ports. They had 90 of the ports the ports Savannah, Charleston, Norfolk.
Speaker 1:New Orleans was the biggest port in the world at the time and it was all interconnected with railroads. And I mean genuinely like. When you look at the South, it's like it's what we did to Iraq, like we wiped everything out from them, then refused to rebuild any of it no matter what they say about reconstruction Fucking, destroyed all of the infrastructure and now it's still to this day, like why are they so poor and stupid?
Speaker 2:Why do they hate us still? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean they genuinely. It's a good comparison. The South is Gaza.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no 100%. The South is Gaza.
Speaker 1:And they still haven't put any money into education? No, and it's still bad, and they still haven't put any money into education, no, and it's still bad. And they go. Those guys are fucking idiots. Yeah, we're an occupied land. I stand by that.
Speaker 2:So, john, at this point Charlie Sheen is still really furious.
Speaker 1:But slavery is bad.
Speaker 2:Slavery. It's obviously awful, it's just the. We'll get into reconstruction in a little bit. The assassination actually plays a big part in that. So charlie sheen is obviously seething that the south has lost. And on april 11th, I want to say charlie sheen goes to the white house where their lincoln gives a speech out the window about how all his plans for reconstruction but he's yelling out the window yes of the white house, yes while he's getting sucked off by his friend todd or whatever by steve yeah, that dude that he always shares the bed with up at the soldier yeah, that's why he did it out the window, not on the lawn, so you get his balls drained, sucked by grant, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And link.
Speaker 1:And lee is furious. He's like.
Speaker 2:I knew he was gonna get sucked by Grant so they're doing a bunch of like reconstruction stuff and he's talking about that, and then he mentioned something at the end that really ticks off, john or Charlie Sheen, which is that they're gonna give suffrage to black people yeah?
Speaker 1:and this is at a time when literally there is like you cannot emphasize enough, there is no secret service. There is no like walls around the white house, there's no fence, it's literally just like everybody in the area can go and stand in front of the white house and lincoln can lean out the window and talk to them you could literally go knock on the door in the white house and be like I'd like to the president.
Speaker 2:I'd like to see the president yeah and if it prior to the Civil War, people did this with presidents all the time.
Speaker 1:Up until the 1920s they were doing this.
Speaker 2:You just go knock on After the third president in like 50 years got shot they were like we should probably tighten up.
Speaker 1:After McKinley got shot. After McKinley got shot, they were like this is a little nuts, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So he hears that speech and he's like, fuck dude, I gotta kill this dude and he doesn't have a plan in place to do it, yeah, but he's staying at some hotel, like kind of close to forge theater, and actors at that point, when they were on the road, they'd go get their mail at the theater and so he goes to pick up his mail at the theater that day and he's a fucking you know famous actor.
Speaker 2:It's like you walking into hobbit or something and sean goes president's gonna be here tonight, yeah, and so he's like fuck I'm going home, yeah, my best, yeah, so he, he goes and gets three guys um, and they're all actors too, right? No, they're not.
Speaker 1:Oh so this is I thought maybe charlie sheen went and got like br Pitt. This is where the story gets truly hilarious.
Speaker 2:So he goes and he gets three guys. He gets this guy, I want to say George Azerot, david Herold and Lewis Powell. So David Herold is a pharmacy assistant and he's just a big fan of Charlie Sheen 22 years old. So Charlie Sheen goes down to CVS and he's like you won't fucking stop talking to me. You want to kill the president. He's like let's do it. George Azerot is a German guy. He gave the Virginia Army supplies from Maryland across the Potomac way north up by.
Speaker 1:Germantown.
Speaker 2:And he would ferry supplies over. Uh, I don't. They don't really say how they knew him navigate yeah and uh, the last guy, lewis Powell. He was a psycho. He yes, he's a nut job and he's a guy from. He was a confederate soldier from Florida. There's a really good picture of him. He was caught on. He's captured on the monitor and there's a picture of him when he's like a captive on the monitor and it's like a really good photo the monitor oh, I thought you meant like, like they had cctv.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, like you gotta play merrimack versus monitor like the, the ship yeah so um, he gets all these guys together. Confederate battleship yeah, one of the iron no, it's, he gets caught on the union ship.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay I think the Merrimack is the.
Speaker 2:But he's on one of those ships and this team is particularly funny because he just has a CVS assistant. He has this German dude and then Lewis Powell, the the German dude is like what are we doing?
Speaker 1:You want to shoot the president. This is crazy. This is crazy. I would love to shoot a president.
Speaker 2:What are you guys doing? We can shoot a president. Go to Bergenheim, no, not Dallas. Go to the club. Maybe we could go to Munich.
Speaker 1:I'll show you boys how to dance, dance, dance. Yeah, Nipples pierced, wearing a fucking. He's wearing a men's shirt. Yeah, he's wearing a men's shirt.
Speaker 2:So so Lewis Powell, the guy from Florida, he's like 6'2 at the time, which is like the equivalent of being 6'10.
Speaker 1:So he stands out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so he's got a power forward from Florida. He's got Al Horford.
Speaker 1:He's got Al Horford, so it's a German guy, the guy from CBS and Al Horford and Charlie Sheen are the gang who's going to kill the president.
Speaker 2:And here's the thing they're not just going to kill the president.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing they're not just going to kill the president, they're going to kill the vice president. They're going to kill the president and they are going to kill the secretary of state. Secretary of state yeah, which?
Speaker 2:at the time is Seward, seward. So it's Andrew Johnson who ends up becoming the president. Vp Seward is the secretary of state, and so the plan is is that, um, I'll do, we'll do what booth or what charlie sheen?
Speaker 1:does, and then we'll talk about the german and al horford. Yeah, the al horford is the best story, yeah, so Thank you for tuning in. Make sure you tune in next week Monday. We will drop the second half of the episode. Big special thanks to Matt the Polak Krasinski whatever the fuck his name is for sitting in on the episode. I thought it was very fun. Let me know what you think If you do listen, please.
Speaker 1:Please, just rate the podcast. I can see how many of you listen. If all of you just rated the podcast, we could have more listeners and then I could put more effort into the content. How about this? How about you? If you made it to this part of the episode, please send me a DM on Instagram, which is in the bio, instagram, which is in the bio. Let me know, screenshot, that you listened to the full episode and that you left a rating and a review, and I will send you a picture of me fully tucked. If you don't know what fully tucked means, then you probably haven't been a listener for very long, but now's a great time to find out. So send me the screenshot of you listening to the episode and you leaving a review, and I will send you a picture of me fully tucked, something you'll never forget. And make sure to tune in next Monday where we'll finish up the rest of this episode.
Speaker 1:I know I kind of cut you off right when it's getting good, but it's a two hour pile. I mean, where else am I going to cut it? Was I going to cut it at 45 minutes? I mean, where you guys just review it, just make everything easier. Review the podcast Fully tucked. A lot of people only go half tucked. I'm talking fully tucked, like smooth surface. You won't even be able to see anything. It's crazy how good I am at it, especially for I mean I don't even want to get into where I put them, but just send the screenshot, okay.