Have A Nice Day
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Have A Nice Day
The Nerd Holocaust ( Alternative Title: 这个周末你打球了吗？)
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Sorry this is late. It was my fault. I'm a bad boy. Tell me how bad I am. Ok sorry. anyways, the podcast is part of the tariffs, so to all our south asian listeners, this is gunna cost you 90% extra for the foreseeable future.
Episode Minutes:
- Book Reports
- Jake fights with his wife live on air
- Ninja swords
Body Positivity and Fat Stigma
Speaker 1it would be nice to be fat if you could let go of caring about being fat . That's like the whole hurdle about fatness . People don't really understand that well , it's people , the , the .
Speaker 3It's not just caring about being fat , it's how you're designed as a fat guy , you know , because nobody knows what type of oh yeah you're gonna be a nice round belly is aesthetically still just as pleasing as like a six-pack like yeah , with some strength to you . Yeah , you know , with , like you know , a set of tits on you . That's not all tits , but you just got like a big old muscle belly . That's a . That's a good view .
Speaker 1I don't mind , it's just kind of . I just don't like the whole like uh , you have to . There's a lot of stigma around it and people just assume you're a lazy piece of shit and there's all these negatives attached to it . Listen to us talking about body positivity in the first fucking 10 seconds of the podcast . How ? Bad do we want to be fat guys ?
Speaker 3We're changing dude , we're coming along .
Speaker 1Why does our culture hate fat people so much ? Because it's it's just like a physical admission that you don't fucking care about anything .
Speaker 3I feel like I was gonna say it's because of the smell well , yeah we've all smelled a fat guy before and it's , it's brutal well , it's like uh nothing worse than being in a tight , enclosed space with a genuine fat guy , like a real nasty , sloppy guy , and you , just you're standing next to him and all you can think about is like what if somebody tucked me up into a tight little fold and tucked me into one of his flaps and I just have to live in his flaps just with , like the smell ?
Speaker 1Live in his flaps is the grossest thought of anything I've ever heard .
Speaker 3Can you imagine ? Like honey , I shrunk the kids , but you've got to live in someone's flaps .
Speaker 1There is like an infamous story of some new mother suffocating and killing her newborn baby in one of her flaps .
Speaker 3Yeah , but I feel like that's kind of like the guy who took acid and thought he was a glass of orange juice .
Speaker 1If there's a woman out there who fucking gave birth and then dropped a tab right after she pushed the baby out . That's the most hardcore fucking shit I've ever heard in my life . Okay , I think you're mixing up too . Push the baby out . That's the most hardcore fucking shit I've ever heard .
Speaker 3Okay , I think you're mixing up to . I think what's happening right now is you're mixing up to local legends , not a local legend . What do you call something when it's like a , an ?
Speaker 1urban legend . Wives tale an urban legend or a tall tale an urban legend urban legend .
Speaker 3That's it , yeah , yeah , yeah . Why does it gotta be urban ?
Speaker 2yeah , I
Urban Legends and White Rappers
Speaker 2was , why does ?
Speaker 1it got to be urban .
Speaker 3Yeah , I was going to say why can't it be a suburban legend ? You know who an urban legend is . That's young Jeezy .
Speaker 1Young Jeezy's an urban legend . This podcast is the suburban legends . Yeah , shit .
Speaker 3Yo , I'm a young urban legend .
Speaker 1I should , I should , we should freestyle on this podcast more what .
Speaker 3That's one thing that I think we underutilizes our ability to freestyle you don't know how to freestyle did you have any white kids that like when you guys hung out with ? So many with , with , like your black friends did that , they'd be like wait , let me freestyle .
Speaker 1No , there was a whole wave . There was a whole era of our generation where there was at least three or four white kids I grew up with that tried to become rappers Full blown Not joking at all . Become rappers like full , full blown . Like what , not joking at all .
Speaker 3like they , yeah , they like got beats made for them and they like made , they like burned cds of their of their like remixed sampled songs yeah , well , I mean , you are from miami , so that that is very , that's very , miami coded as the uh , as the young lady said you know , it's like that , that's that there's not only so many things that you can do in miami . You can either own a papootseria or you can you know try to become a white rapper that's been the saddest part about the life tracks that we have taken is I have just is that we didn't become white rappers no , I , I have kept the way .
Speaker 1Uh , like my , my slang and uh , everything is like it stops at , like 2017 , and you say things like um , like what did you just said like I'm holding space with that , or whatever the fuck . You just said period , that's on period yeah , you have . You have all the updated software and I'm . It's just , it's disgusting . I'm so happy I don't have it .
Speaker 3I mean , it is such a worse way to talk it is they have , no , I I because I I mean I could see it happening to me is like the more that something can help you write an email , the more that something can help you write an email , the more that something can help you word things you lose the ability to communicate with people . By the end you do just Something about . The internet has flattened how everybody talks . By the end of this , we're all just going to be talking and memes and fucking noises .
Speaker 3We play basketball over at uh , where you tore your acl famously thanks for that at the thomas jefferson , uh , community center and uh we , every time we play basketball , there's these like fucking 12 year old kids who , just , by the way you know , it's like you think you'd be able to beat 12 year old kids in basketball . You're wrong , okay . They run up and down the court at a speed , at a pace you just can't keep as somebody who sits in a chair for more than five hours a day . They also they grew up playing a version of basketball where everyone's allowed to shoot the three . You know what I mean . Do you remember like I mean , this didn't happen to you because you were a guard , but like being down low , you never got to come out . I said being on the down low . Hold on , let me rephrase that . I said it like I I'm secretly a gay black man by playing in the paint . Is what I meant by being on the down low ?
Speaker 1um also , you weren't allowed to shoot threes . I resent the framing of this because you're like an inch taller than me and you're saying I played guard like I'm five , six , and you're six , eight , um , so that's one and two . Yeah , dude , everyone used to suck cock at basketball and the people that were coaching basketball were like the worst player on the team . So they were like no , no , no , you . No one's allowed to learn how to do anything outside of how you look yeah and like , and it was , you've got to run high pick and rolls .
Speaker 3One guy stands on the elbow , one guy stands on the low block and then we've got three guards . We've got two guys in the corners and one guy up top bringing the ball down the court and it's also like the coaches were always like mean old italian guys , and what is up with ? Italians coaching basketball , so like they . It's unbelievable . Is there something that I'm not understanding
Basketball Culture and Italian Coaches
Speaker 3about italian people in basketball that I just haven't figured out is basketball secretly like a fucking front for the mafia ? Why are so many old italian guys coaching basketball ?
Speaker 1I've always wondered it too . It's like old white guys for the mafia . Why are so many old italian guys coaching basketball ? I've always wondered it too . It's like old white guys from the midwest and old italians . And you got calipari you got fucking .
Speaker 1Uh , rick patino I mean so , oh and tom iso I mean , it is so many guys dude yeah , and I and I don't know because , because , like I , I feel like it's one of those things where you know where you get the athletic assistant , what's that person called , the kid that comes back after senior year to coach . Quote unquote .
Speaker 3Graduate assistant .
Speaker 1The graduate assistant . It's like I get that kind of energy from like Italian guys that want to coach because it's like you can tell they were never first team , they were never like the starter making all the plays , but but like they loved it more than anybody on the team . And then , like you , get to get the google , yeah , and . And then they also the . The italians like to be in charge you know ?
Speaker 3do you think that ? Do you think that the reason that they like to do it ? Okay , so I guess it depends on how far back you want to go in history , because , on one hand , you've got the Italians coaching basketball as a means to force people to eat their mother's sauce . You know , what I mean , because you're always doing it on the road you got people stuck in a bus . You got people stuck on a plane . They can't escape when you're like and so why I ?
Speaker 3made you guys listen special day to day . I know we're watching film , but my mother , she made a very special sauce for you , so let's try my mother's sauce , you know .
Speaker 1So it's literally all just a long game for a captive audience , right .
Speaker 3Or it's Italian guys who can't help but lead the carthaginian legions . You know what I mean like they just can't help but be at the front because it is . I mean , basketball is a lot of designing like battle plans , how to outflank people so they , the french , are the italians , they're the two they love basketball .
Speaker 1No , yeah , the french love welcome back .
Speaker 3Well , the french love basketball , but I don't really get like american french people .
Speaker 1Oh no on a basketball no , no , no , that was what I was gonna say . I was gonna say about , like , their conquering phase , like whenever I meet , like whenever you meet like a modern day italian or french person and you think like man . One of you like conquered all of europe and one of you like conquered almost basically the known world at one point in your histories , and you're like and now you're sitting here being like do you want , uh , the red sauce or the white sauce ?
Speaker 2I gotta be honest with you .
Speaker 3If you get the red sauce , I'm gonna throw you out of my fucking restaurant . I'll be honest with with you . I'm just going to keep it straight .
Speaker 1It's so weird . It's like they just want to smoke cigs and fucking like eat sauce and it's maybe , maybe when you're as a civilization , you conquer , like at a certain threshold . It's just like it's like you kind of made it now and like there's no , we don't need to , we don't need to do it again .
Speaker 3Yeah now , and like there's no , we don't need a good , we don't need to do it again .
Speaker 1Yeah , you know , and the only , the only remnants is pizza and caesar dressing .
Speaker 3That's like the only remnants of your civilization and then like and croissants and yeah , yeah and the in the catholic church like what is
Culture, Language, and Communication
Speaker 3what is america's legacy gonna be ?
Speaker 3you know what I mean . It's like you know how like xenophon was , uh when they did the march of the 10 000 greeks and they were leaving . Uh , they were leaving persia because cyrus the great got defeated so they had to run back and they were seeing like all of these assyrian ruins and egyptian ruins as they were making their way back to greece and they're like what great civilization built these ? You think in like 10 000 years there's gonna be a chinese guy running through uh latrobe pennsylvania and being and like seeing a mcdonald's and be like who ?
Speaker 3built this mcdonald's . Who made this ?
Speaker 1I mean , I don't think so .
Speaker 3No you're telling me you don't think there's gonna be a chinese guy running through western Pennsylvania and see a Long John Silver and just be like what sort of almighty , powerful civilization could bring fresh fish sticks to a place that is landlocked in nine hours in either direction .
Speaker 1Fresh is an insane stretch , I mean .
Speaker 3Fresh fish .
Speaker 1At Long John Silver . You're telling me they don't have fresh fish . I mean , the only thing that you can safely order there is a fresh fish .
Speaker 3You're going to attack . You're going to attack . This is what you're going to do . You're going to attack Long John Silver on Lent .
Speaker 1Yeah , dude , the day of our Lord . They got to fucking make so much money over Lent , doesn't everyone eat fish ?
Speaker 3It's the only thing that keeps people . It's the only thing that keeps McDonald's and . Long John Silver in the black Because in the black In the black is an accounting phrase that means you're profitable , you fucking .
Speaker 1Yeah , sure .
Speaker 3Whatever you , whatever you say , dude , you're becoming an internet reddit troll , like in real time . You're even starting to like I that guy , I'm a founding member who does like those videos where he uh , he pretends to be an it guy and he's like well , actually , actually , if you close your browser , yeah , I love that guy . He's made so many babies .
Speaker 1There's so many people doing that version of him now yeah that's the worst part of the internet , by the way , is when you see good original content and then two weeks later it's just Like this guy that went viral for his morning routine .
Speaker 3You mean every time that we do a new impression and tim dylan does it two weeks later ?
Speaker 1yeah , a lot of , a lot of , a lot of matt and shane secret podcast doing our podcast , but , um , but , but I mean um , I will say like , like it's so fucking stupid how no one can have any semblance of originality anymore . Like this guy fucking dives into the , into the pool and and wakes up at 3 am and does all that dips his face in bowls of ice water , literally every you're talking about .
Speaker 3You're talking about the black dude that jacked black .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah every since that has happened . I have seen every version , like I've seen an only fans girls morning routine that mocks it . I've seen a gamer person do it . Every single potential version .
Speaker 1And it's like I get how you want to capitalize on momentum , but more than anything , to me it just shows how people aren't even willing to let someone have a viral thing . They have to white-knuckle grab onto the coattails of the viral thing at any like it's . It is kind of like just like a a cry for help from this , from the society . Like like please give us more original content that we can copy .
Speaker 3Like that's literally how it feels when I , whenever something goes viral , like I think it was lipman who said , like , if everybody becomes a publisher , there's not going to be any readers . And that's exactly what's happened 100 , everyone's allowed to publish . So then no , there's no one to consume the content . We're going to get to a point where , like , it's just all of us screaming into the void like every day we're all posting something just like ah , look at me , and there's no one to look at .
Speaker 3You know what I mean , because we're all just making it .
Speaker 1But that's what they did , they , they . They made the consumer the product and the product the consumer . That's what social media did . It like it . It like broke the fourth wall between product and consumer . And now you just have like now you are the monsters . You just have monsters out there that like , like it's . I just . I mean , have you ever seen the videos ?
Speaker 3the ones that get me like I'll check somebody's like instagram . Sorry I'm gonna cut you off , but like you , you go and you go to check somebody's like page and it'll be like they've posted 1,100 times and you just start doing the math and you're like dude who the fuck are you ? And it's just like it's somebody with like 700 followers and you're just like what are you doing ? Why are you doing this ? Who is this for ?
Speaker 1Dude , the ones that make me viscerally angry . Have you ever seen ? The ones where it's like a mom with her kid and she's basically trying to like , uh sad , bait the audience with , like you know , our cat just died , and then like , in between takes , she's telling her little son , who's like genuinely sad , uh , like , hey , I need you to up it up a little bit , I need you to cry harder , I need you to sell this better , you imagine ?
Speaker 3getting your first traumatic news , your first experience with that , yeah , and your mom just farms , it for clicks . It's looking into an iPhone 11 . That's your first moment of knowing true tragedy , and it's so dystopian or place and you're doing it with , like a light in the like , looking into a ring light your mom's holding a ring light . I mean that that's genuine like alien level .
Speaker 1Yeah , uh , experience for a human being yeah it that that feels like , uh , this like a simulated experience like you're not actually living a life , yeah , yeah we've attached ourselves speaking of , I feel like you would . I feel like , uh , I didn't get to talk to you about this earlier , but , um , so the uk has had a stabbing problem , uh , because of , because of mass immigration and everything .
Speaker 3I think they have a stabbing problem because they got rid of guns .
Speaker 1Well , that's what I was just going to say .
Speaker 3They got a stabbing problem because they don't have a shooting problem .
Speaker 1Oh yeah .
Speaker 3They get a bit stabby over there .
Speaker 1So the recent thing that they've done this is like yesterday I think they passed a bill , uh , that went into law , passed everything over there , whatever they have , like the , the court of jesters and dorks or whatever it's called but , um , they uh banned ninja swords , okay oh , I'm still picturing that every uk lawmaker has to wear a jesters hat .
Speaker 3Yeah , yeah , well , is it cool , is it like ?
Speaker 1the house of commons , the house of lords , in the house of jesters yeah isn't that british politics ?
Speaker 2yeah , you're saying that .
Speaker 3You're saying that every uh , every time the british make a law , you have to go to a renaissance fair and a guy goes herey herey , if you ever listen to like NPR at nine
UK Knife Laws and the Nerd Holocaust
Speaker 3o'clock cause I do this quite often , so go .
Speaker 3Or I'm sorry , not NPR , cause I'm not gay , but uh , if you listen to C-SPAN at 9 PM , um , which was started by Brian Lamb over there , uh , he's from , he's a Purdue Boilermaker , so you know nothing gay about that , um . So if you listen to C-SPAN at 9 pm , they do like live from the House of Commons , you know what I mean . They'll be like they'll be doing some shit where it's like a guy reading Not not reading , but like like what , what , what's getting ready to be passed , what is it ? Oh shit , jake just got cut off the phone , hilarious . Well , guys , we've got a pause in the podcast . I'll tell you that your phone strikes again .
Speaker 3Yeah , facetime audio is the safe bet so you got a purdue , purdue , boiler so much clearer too , uh c-span is the purdue boiler maker guy and he , uh , they , they at 9 pm they do live . Listen to the uk , because in the uk , uh , the prime minister has to get up in front of the entire house of commons , house of jesters and house of lords and they pepper them with questions have you ever heard this no dude , it's the fucking greatest content in the world , because it's british people .
Speaker 3So they're like being funny and so they'll get up and like the whole thing is like you have to get a big laugh and so they'll get up . It's sound dude , it's literally as if the guys from the muppets are up . You remember the two guys in the muppets that like sit up and watch the whole thing and they're like making laughter . Those guys are actually in there . You can hear them in the background and so somebody will be like will the prime ?
Speaker 2minister acknowledge that his new policy of banning knives inadvertently affects the neurodivergent community of which , of course , he's a part of , and he'll be , like rah rah , rah , rah , rah , rah , hairy , hairy , hairy .
Speaker 3And then the prime minister gets up and he goes . Well , I will acknowledge that the neurodivergent community is one of the most atypical amongst us and is having quite difficult problems right now . I will also acknowledge that the homosexual community has been dealing with a lot of stabbings , as our right honorable gentleman knows about in the bum wink , wink , and then they all are yeah they , they deserve to go honestly .
Speaker 1It's honestly like I've defended them . I've defended Western Europe . You know what ? Maybe it's honestly like I've defended them . I've defended Western Europe . It's you know what ? Maybe it's time I genuinely .
Speaker 3I actually think it's the coolest part of being English . I think that they should fucking not that I would know anything about that , fucking losers but I think they should make us do that . I would love if , like fucking Marjorie Taylor Greene , got to grill .
Speaker 1Joe Biden Was just like and he's old as fuck , Look at this guy .
Speaker 3We're genuinely too stupid , it's like , will Joe Biden acknowledge ?
Speaker 2that when he sniffed that little girl's hair he got an erection . Will Joe ? Biden acknowledge that right now , and then Joe Biden gets up and is like hey , Chuck , I don't even know what you're talking about , Jack and everybody .
Speaker 3You fucking space laser fucking , but you guys look like you .
Speaker 1I'm surprised he's still alive .
Speaker 3I thought he would have been dead . I don't think he died about 10 years ago to be honest .
Speaker 1I know it feels that way , but wait so . Okay , so the UK bans ninja swords ?
Speaker 3Oh , okay , wait , we didn't get to that part , so they banned knives , or they banned ninja swords .
Speaker 1They banned ninja swords . It's literally written that way in the law . Okay , okay .
Speaker 3So broadswords are still cool .
Speaker 1That's what I was thinking , like . What about a shortsword ? What about a claymore ? Like what are we talking about here ?
Speaker 3What about a rapier ? Can I use spears ? Can I ? Still have a spear Because , honestly , if we're talking about effective battlefield weapons , a spear is way more effective than any of the things you named .
Speaker 1Spears realistically probably the most effective medieval weapon .
Speaker 3If you were a Greek hoplite , you were not switching over to your sword until your spear had broken or you had thrown it into somebody . You were holding on to that spear for dear life . Sword was last resort . Yeah , a spear .
Speaker 1You can keep people at fucking long distance until somebody Mike Tysons you and gets in close maybe you can , maybe you can explain this , though , but I I don't understand how these , these , these countries . Maybe they just think it's like , so the government thinks so highly of itself and that's why , like , they think , if they pass a law , people would just stop doing the thing that they pass the law about . It's the weirdest thing to me , like , but so you have , like , criminals that are doing something , and then you pass a law to stop the criminals from doing something , but they're criminals , so like they don't follow the law . So it's like , basically , you're just taking ninja swords from all the nerds who have collected them for years .
Speaker 3So you're saying that they were trying to stop the stabbings .
Speaker 1It's a nerd holocaust .
Speaker 2That's what they're doing .
Speaker 3Inadvertently , they've just destroyed the anime community .
Speaker 1Yes , in England , these people , these people who have spent their life savings collecting fucking memorabilia- from any anime they grew up with .
Speaker 3What's next ? No model trains and maps .
Speaker 1Yeah yeah , they're like because terrorists are planning to fucking blow up train stations . They take away all the model trains in the country . Do you know they're just gonna genocide the nerds
Religion, McDonald's, and the Pope
Speaker 1and be left with nothing but mosques . It's insane over there .
Speaker 3Well , I don't think that there was any reason to insert the mosque part .
Speaker 1But well , I'm angry about it .
Speaker 3Okay , I don't know what you want me to say I mean it's pretty funny to fucking picture just them rounding up like they're expecting to get all the baddies . We're going to get all the baddies and take away their knives . And instead it's just a bunch of people in transition lenses .
Speaker 1That will be 90% of it .
Speaker 3This is a model replica from season seven of what's a ? I don't even know . This is a model replica of season seven of Sail what's a ? I don't even know . This is a monocle replica of season seven of sailor moon . Uh when they , uh when , when goku defeated vegeta this is the sword .
Speaker 2That's not sailor moon . How ?
Speaker 1fucking dare you . I mean that we'll lose half our audience over what you just said I know I shouldn't .
Speaker 3I shouldn't insult the anime community because dragon ball z yeah , I know , I know , but it was fun dude yeah yeah , it was I could see them taking away that dude . I'll say this about the anime community and I'll keep you . I don't want to , I don't want to wander too far a field from our current discussion because I am genuinely enjoying the idea of a nerd holocaust but uh happening they .
Speaker 3I didn't know this , but I saw a video uh on instagram , a real popped up , where some guy was talking about like what his favorite uh anime character was . Yeah , and they popped up a picture of her brother hot brother yeah no wonder these guys don't talk to girls .
Speaker 3I mean , they are nothing but disappointed when they go out into real life . Every anime drawing I saw because I went deep down into it . I mean they've got fucking . They're wearing those laura croft style tomb raider shorts and they're damn near their pussy cheeks are fucking showing . Oh yeah , what in the hell is going on ?
Speaker 1no wonder they're so fucking rocked up well , like you're this I wouldn't leave my house either this isn't in your lane , but like uh . So a lot of chinese game developing studios have taken over the gaming market because all the western game studios , they stopped making chicks hot and and the Chinese are like oh , we'll just give every chick giant tits and no clothes .
Speaker 3No shit .
Speaker 1And the Chinese video game .
Speaker 3That's the good Lord intended .
Speaker 1Yeah , all the Western studios . They make every character as androgynous and gross as possible and put all this weird social messaging into all their games . And the Chinese are just like big tits , huge explosions .
Speaker 3It's like america in the late 80s god , that's how china is literally america , from before times yeah , they're just .
Speaker 1They're cherry picking all the cool stuff that doesn't like , because they can't . They can't merge any of the gay stuff we've been , we've created in the last 20 years into their culture .
Speaker 3But the stuff from 20 years prior they can . I might move to China and start being Weisheng Xin , you know .
Speaker 2It's just Ni hao .
Speaker 1It's going to just be hard to overcome the way I love it .
Speaker 3Yeah , I also don't like their language . I don't like that they sound like they're whispering every time they talk to me .
Speaker 1And I have to get like an art major degree to fucking learn how to write over there , that seems . I just think it's too much .
Speaker 3The language aside , as someone who , by the way , if anyone's fucking talking shit , listen , I speak to shit . Okay , I spent four years in college studying these goddamn .
Speaker 2I didn't realize at the time .
Speaker 3Well , I was a Chinese minor in college . Now I'm a Caucasian adult , but that's a fun bit . But I didn't realize this I was a part of one of those CCP style programs where they send . Did you realize that St Vincent was one of those uh ccp fronts where they send a bunch of chinese students over to fucking spy on us ?
Speaker 1no , I felt like all of our like people were brazilian that came in there .
Speaker 3No , sir no , sir , there was so many . You didn't notice them because they were in the business school , but there was so many fucking Chinese people at St Vincent you don't remember , like George . They all had names like George and I think they were all named George Would we have to do that .
Speaker 1If we went there , there was like 10 of them named .
Speaker 2George .
Speaker 1Would you have to go from Matt to like Xiaoxi if we moved to China , or would everyone call you Matt ?
Speaker 3No , they give you a Chinese name . My Chinese name in class was like some sort of I made it Crouching Tiger , Hidden Dragon . I forget what the fuck it it was like . I was genuinely Crouching .
Speaker 2Tiger , Hidden Dragon .
Speaker 3Oh , I can pull it up . My Chinese book is right here . Hold on , fuck . Yeah , level one I wrote my Chinese name down in this all right integrated chinese level one , part one . Let's see if I wrote my name in this chinese book . This will be fun .
Speaker 3I could start reading chinese yeah , I had to put my name at the top of every oh fuck , dude read patches is from l12 . Okay , wow , this is a lot hobbies . Okay , what's your favorite hobby ? Mine , this should be a new uh thing on the pocket . Do you like to play ball on the weekend ? So no dude , oh , I forgot ma , which is the question participle um . So I would say ni , which is you Da qi . That means to play ball . Zhuo mo weekend . Ma Ni da qi zhuo mo ma .
Speaker 3That means do you like to play ? No , that means , did you play ball this weekend ? How ?
Speaker 1long do you .
Speaker 3I need zhuo before it . So zhuo is this weekend . Did you play ball this weekend ?
Speaker 2how long do you ?
Speaker 1think it would take you to to like redo your whole set mandarin um , as long as nobody wanted to do crowd work , I'd be I mean , I could fucking memorize it , no problem .
Speaker 3There's a there is a special word that , like , we can't pronounce , which is there . It means people , which is , like you know , talk about an inconvenient type of word to not be able to pronounce , but it's in pinyin , which is when they , they like , make it into English lettering so that you can pronounce pronunciate it , pronunciate it , um , so that you can pronounce it . Uh , it's called pinion , and they , uh , there's this word where it's re yeah I know it's dude .
Speaker 3It's sometimes like , especially like we I mean , this is an old have a nice day bit with like ping pong , which it's like ? Oh , yeah , yeah , did , did . Did we call it ping pong or are they do . They know that we're so racist we're gonna love ping pong . You know you got ping and pong over there , bouncing the ball back and forth to each other , like which came first ? Was the the racism or was it them knowing we would love racism , that's a big chicken or the egg there ?
Speaker 3yeah , yeah , but pin yin , in there it's called the ren and it's like , but it's pronounced like , like , like we can't oh , I know that you're talking about , yeah our word . We don't have the word for it , and so that's why they can't pronounce uh , ours is because , like they've never , is it ours .
Speaker 3They can't pronounce , no else is because , they pronounce it with like a like this , this they do this thing where they charge our banks , it sounds like my , uh , my chinese teacher she would have me hold her tongue while she did it , and she would open her mouth and I'd hold her tongue oh my god she'd show me where now I'm kidding and she'd say and she'd , she'd , she'd reach her hand into my mouth and say , okay , now touch my finger with the tongue . And it was weird we were both naked . I didn't really understand it .
Speaker 1Very strange culture , very strange culture over there they have a lot of different rules do you know that the Japanese for like most of their culture , or most ?
Speaker 2of their history .
Speaker 1They have no color for blue , so green and blue are like it's like . Blue is a very new word over there , so like , like green and blue , they use the same word . So like was it ?
Speaker 3did they have the same , did they ?
Speaker 1okay , I know this is gonna sound stupid yeah , yeah , I know , I know , broke my brain too .
Speaker 3Without having the word , did they still have the ?
Speaker 1color green and blue . That's what I was wondering , I was like . So then what do they see when they see grass in the sky ?
Speaker 3When they look at a tree and they look at the ocean , are they seeing the same cut like ?
Speaker 1what shit , dude , that that feels like a slippery slope a slippery shrope so that feels so they they like very recently just came up with a color for for green , or it's blue if you look up such a funny lie to tell someone .
Speaker 3Can you imagine ? Telling me this , right ? You tell me this and then I go to talking to a japanese person . I'm like , dude , it's fucking awesome that you guys have a word for blue now . And he's like , what the fuck are you talking about ? And I'm like , well , yeah , you guys didn't have a word for blue now . And he's like , what the fuck are you talking about ? And I'm like , well , yeah , you guys didn't have a word for blue , and now you do , and that's pretty cool well , like it's .
Speaker 1I think blue is like ow , it's like a o is how they say blue and how they say green light . How they say green light in japanese is blue light . It like translates to blue light for us , but they just know it's green because I guess I don't even know , I I guess that's how that works like it's it's really hard to learn english in a lot of ways too the grass is always bluer on the other side I , but it's like it's true , because there's a lot of shit about English .
Speaker 3It doesn't make any fucking sense .
Speaker 1Where , if you use certain words , that , what is that ? Called Words that have the same meaning or different meanings but the same spelling or the same sound , like blue and blue and wind and wind , like . Imagine trying to .
Speaker 3What do you mean ? Blue and blue , we don't have . Oh , blue and B-L-E-W Okay .
Speaker 1That a girl so like .
Speaker 3I didn't like that .
Speaker 1What do you mean ? Blue and blue .
Speaker 3Well , I got mixed up in my homophobes .
Speaker 1Well , yeah , I mean , keep going . I think it's like that . I think it's just it . I mean , can you imagine trying to explain that to someone like wind and wind , it's the exact same spelling , but it's completely different words and you're trying to expel it to a japanese guy who's like , hey , fuck you . I feel like .
Speaker 3I feel like that's where you would just give up yeah , where , where it's like and this is an apple , uh , and this is a chair , and he's like okay , that makes sense . And then you're like now this is a chair also , and it's like okay , well , that doesn't look like a chair . And then you point to your face and you say this is also a chair . And the Japanese guy's like what ?
Speaker 2And you're like that's my face , this is also a chair and the Japanese guy's like what and you're like that's my face .
Speaker 1That's the part I hated about Spanish is that Spanish has gendered language . Yeah , so it's like why is the library masculine or feminine ? Like that's insane . Why are we what are ?
Speaker 3we . That's what you hated about Spanish . Really , that's what you took away from it . You fucking Mr Woke over here . Just Jake , this is textbook , virtue signaling .
Speaker 1It's not a woke .
Speaker 3You know , what I always hated about Spanish Is that the library was masculine .
Speaker 1I mean who ?
Speaker 2says girls can't read Am .
Speaker 3I right , ladies , we don't have a single female listener . Why would you even ?
Speaker 2Who is this ?
Speaker 3for .
Speaker 1Who is this for ? I'm saying certain things Like how the fuck would you know if it's masculine or feminine ? It's like and in certain cultures different things are masculine and feminine too . The only people who listen to .
Speaker 3The closest thing we have to women listening to this podcast are dudes in Thailand , who , who dress up in mini skirts and trick english gentlemen into letting them sit in their lap . Okay , there is no , there is . There is no women for you to impress by being like you know what ? Does you know what fucking bothers me ? It's like , seriously , la biblioteca . Oh , by the way , the library isn't masculine La .
Speaker 2Biblioteca is feminine .
Speaker 1I just said that , but it might be El Biblioteco , you don't know .
Speaker 3No , I actually know it's La Biblioteca . Donde esta La Biblioteca ?
Speaker 1God . So your fucking little woke point didn't even turn out to be true . This isn't a woke point , it was a woke point , okay . So what is almuerzo is lunch ? Is lunch masculine or feminine ?
Speaker 2El almuerzo , I guess it depends what you're eating .
Speaker 1When I eat , my lunch is always masculine when I eat my lunch is always masculine , like their language . It's so like this this the spanish language . It's so ripe to be taken over by social justice .
Speaker 3Yeah , they're so homophobic that they like , literally , they had to make lunch masculine we ain't having none of this fucking queer shit for lunch . All right , almuerzo , it's .
Speaker 2Almuerzo not .
Speaker 3Almuerza , you think they got people in Mexico right now arguing over ?
Speaker 2that yes .
Speaker 3They call it Almuerzo , not Almuerza .
Speaker 1I think that's how they came up with Latinx , because X is like you know , it's general .
Speaker 3Yeah , but they're not doing that in Mexico they're doing that . That's fourth generation Spanish people here combining with white women .
Speaker 1No one south of the border anywhere has ever said the word Latinx .
Speaker 3They don't know what you're talking about yeah , they have no idea what you're talking about . Like if somebody , if you were down in south , if were south of the border , and uh , somebody was like , uh , do you want to go to la biblioteca ? And they're like , you mean la biblioteca x ? They'd be like . They'd be like , okay , that's such a stupid joke , but it's so funny .
Speaker 1That's how you get a guy to join the cartel , okay , oh shit .
Speaker 3All right . Um , going over the notes here . Going over the notes here . Um , okay , so you got something on ladyboys . We'll put a pin in that . Um , I got , uh , I can't . I literally can't stop thinking about this . I actually had to write this down on my hand . I just need us to bring this up when we were talking about what's left over from empires , what's left over of Christianity . Don't you think it's kind of fun ? Do you think that when Jesus was on the cross , being the omniscient being that he is , do you think that he realized that him dying on the cross was gonna result in mcdonald's making a sandwich called the filet-o-fish ?
Speaker 3that makes that makes like 40 billion dollars every year . Like , do you think that he knew ? Do you think mcdonald's sent sent Jesus back into time ? Like was that brand marketing ?
Speaker 1You know what I mean . We got to move all this flash-frozen Atlantic . God Quick , let's get the Son of .
Speaker 3God to go back into time Like do you think they teamed up with Big Catholic , with the Pope ?
Speaker 1Big Catholic's great .
Speaker 3I like Big Catholic a lot Do you think that McDonald's sent a time traveler back to Pope Pius XVI and got with Big Catholic and we're like listen , dude , I know this doesn't make any sense right now , but no meat on Fridays .
Speaker 1But you can eat fish fish . I don't understand how that works . Is it because he turned all them fish into ? Is it because he turned all them fish into a bunch of fish from one fish ? Is that is that why you can eat fish ? Yeah ?
Speaker 3I think so .
Speaker 1I think that is what that is and then is it the Jesus fish , like a pagan symbol turned on his side . Isn't it like an onk on the side ?
Speaker 3yeah , I don't really get into all that symbolism stuff . I know that . I know that went . One time jesus was talking to a prostitute and she was speaking to him and she was saying , lord , do you forgive me for all of my sucking and fucking ? And jesus got down on one knee and what he drew in the sand was the symbol of the fish . And then he walked away , which is pretty sick if you think about it to , uh , to make your brand , the coolest thing you did , which was making all those fish out of one fish . It's actually it's like the , the zero ad version of the jordan symbol like the fish , is the jordan symbol if you think about it , the fish is j Jesus taking off from the free throw line .
Speaker 1It's the Nike check for sure , yeah . But I mean how does it work , though , that I just don't get why we're allowed to eat fish but not meat .
Speaker 3That feels like something we're like , because fish are friends , not food .
Speaker 1We didn't have enough meat and they were like , oh , we got to find a way to make them stop killing cows .
Speaker 3I genuinely only think . I think that the only thing that makes sense is that big McDonald's got together .
Speaker 2Big .
Speaker 3Fish got together with Big Catholic and they were like we got to push more of these fucking filet-o-fishes Dude speaking of Big Catholic dude , they got a real recruitment problem .
Speaker 1I feel like , I feel like Catholicism no way , dude .
Speaker 3People are becoming Catholic at the highest rate that they've done in fucking forever . Yeah , dude , you know who's losing . Everybody is the prods . Thank God , glory be to God . That's what you get for insulting the Virgin Mary .
Speaker 1Are the prods ?
Speaker 3going atheist . Is that what you're saying ? The prods are going atheist . So in Europe right now they went from most of Europe being Protestant . So many became atheist that now the leading religion in Europe is back to being Catholic . Because all the prods went fucking atheist . Isn't that sick ? I mean it's kind of crazy . May the Lord smite our enemies .
Speaker 1Well , it just feels like Protestantism . It's not like metaphysical and cool enough to keep people around through like that's exactly what it is . You know it's like yeah you need mystery . Yeah , you need mystery , because Protestantism I feel like it just develops into like you're in the principal's office .
Speaker 1that's like how I feel about it yeah but but I get at the same point how they're like uh , you know , some guy , some pope , has some cell phone that he can call god from , like that I , I get , I get how that they . They wouldn't be on board with that either , because I'm kind of not we don't use a fucking cell phone they have a phone , they have a flip phone and he can call God Well .
Speaker 3I mean here's . The thing is like what the Catholic Church is saying is not that . I mean , I do believe that the Catholic Church has kind of an issue with being , like the Pope , is infallible on matters of faith and morals , because what they're saying is that it's not is that the church can make decisions about the faith that can then update the faith Right , which ?
Speaker 1I don't .
Speaker 3I don't hate that idea . I don't hate the idea that the faith is a living thing . Right , like it's just like the constitution . It's like you can make amendments to the constitution , like that idea makes sense . But the problem is is when you get fucking dummies in there , like like you can't , I , you know it's .
Speaker 3It's the classic problem of being like , uh , infallible on faith and morals , feels like a king , being like yeah well , I was put in charge by god , so you get to bang your wife yeah , it's like why can't we agree that jesus was infallible and everything that jesus said was right , and that all of that was was perfect , and that you know , those are the most important things , and that christ is definitely real ?
Speaker 1but , like , the pope can make suggestions , but let's not go so far as to say he's infallible that seems like a leftover thing , that that seems like a leftover king thing that just never got undone but at the same time , once you start ripping up leftover stuff , that's how you end up with like a fucking south african deity in the pope's fucking main chamber and he's like praying and blessing it like doing blatant idol worship . Like the pope now is like he has like a trance exactly what's what's happening ?
Speaker 3like the pope can't still be , like I remember the Catholic school argument is like that's not doctrine , so therefore he doesn't have the blessing of the Lord in those moments , right ?
Speaker 1Yeah , like you lose .
Speaker 3So he can be a bad person , he can make mistakes , he can do the wrong thing , he can worship idols like he is right now .
Speaker 1But that doesn't necessarily mean that , like that's not the , the , the cloak of infallibility doesn't cover that . He , he , he lost his cell phone service when he went once .
Speaker 3Once , the fucking , uh , south african shaman comes in to , to the vatican , do you think he loses service ? Do you think that that's actually why china built the 5g towers ? Do you think that that's the secret plan behind the chinese 5g ? How has nobody started this conspiracy yet ? We could be a part of starting the first ever really good conspiracy is that the 5g towers that china built is there to disrupt the pope's signal to jesus and that's why he's getting so wonky it scrambles your dna with the covid vaccine .
Speaker 1That's what the five , that's the five .
Books and Unexpected Phone Intrusions
Speaker 1Go ahead , laugh it up , fucking chill . That's exactly what's going on , and then that's how well we're gonna do a new segment presented by Mamiya .
Speaker 3That brings us to our new segment , which is it's what we're reading this week , folks , since we're getting ready to wrap this podcast up , jake , what are you reading , right ?
Speaker 1now Mostly the Book of Enoch . Oh , the Book of Enoch .
Speaker 3That's classic Somebody who wants to get back into religion but still wants to talk about aliens . You fucking idiot you told me you were reading the bible and I'm like that is the bible . It just didn't make it in he's getting back on the bible turns out , only part that talks about aliens and he's like the book of ezekiel and the book of Enoch pretty much it .
Speaker 1Okay , dude . Well , they're both fucking from Methuselah who , like Noah , gets to get in , but Enoch doesn't . I don't think that that's fair . Why is that fair ?
Speaker 3I mean , Moses doesn't get to enter into Judea , so that sucks .
Speaker 1Yeah , but that's because he was a naughty boy with the Egyptians his whole life , do you think I ?
Speaker 3know it's because he was a naughty boy with the Egyptians his whole life . I know it's because what was the thing in the 40 days in the desert ? They didn't trust him on something he didn't trust .
Speaker 2God on something .
Speaker 3It was when he brought down the tablets and they were worshiping the golden calf .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , the idols .
Speaker 3And then I think that Moses had like a second of like , being like well , maybe we should worship the idol , and God was like dude , I told you not to do that . And then what Protestants did is they took that story and they said okay , moses wasn't allowed to worship the golden calf . That means we're not supposed to worship anything that isn't God . Therefore , all of our churches are going to be disgusting and all of our women are going to be ugly as fuck . That's what the Protestants got out of that .
Speaker 3They were like no cool crucifixes , no beautiful churches , no stained glass windows , no high arches . We're doing ugly women and ugly buildings for a time of eternity .
Speaker 1It's so stupid . It's like let's go negative inspiration and then try to get people to trust that we got the truth over here .
Speaker 3We'll do the ugliest women in the world and then see if people don't want to like , why don't they want to join ?
Speaker 1Yeah , it's like a football coach playing hard to get the team to listen to him . It's like the dumbest approach possible , like did you have a football coach ? I was playing hard to get for you yeah , I was like that was like maybe , maybe I'll , maybe I'll install a play today , yeah you had a coach who'd be like , well , if you guys would just listen to me , maybe we could fucking win a game .
Speaker 3But yeah if you guys aren't gonna come , come to my Drag Queen Story Hour , why has no one done that yet ? I feel like I'm getting distracted by a lot of things . Why has nobody done Drag Queen Offensive Install ? We're doing all this talk about Drag Queen Story Hour If we really want to change the game if we really want to get inclusive , we need to do drag queen install with with jj watt live reps right after I like that .
Speaker 1I like that a lot .
Speaker 3Yeah , you've just got , you've got uh , uh , fucking , you've got brett colbert . Shout out , brett . I had a good time with brett this weekend . Uh , you've got brett colbert in a long flowy dress just being like . So this week , uh , I feel like we're really gonna do a lot of crossing routes they they bite on the play action all the time .
Speaker 3You see this right here , deacons , like they're always . So what do we call ? This is the hot route ? Fire , fire call , and then he just like starts doing like a dance and he's like fire call . And then when we score here , that's when pink pony club comes on boom pink pony club um , do you know something crazy ?
Speaker 1you know something crazy about the book of enoch yeah hit it .
Speaker 1So , uh , the same ethiopian orthodox sect of uh the catholics , who have interfaced a lot with that same uh jewish orthodox , uh ethiopian set , who , those two groups , claim to be in possession of the ark of the covenant ? Um , they're the only uh like orthodox church that has uh enoch as a canonical event in their Bible . So all the other Orthodox , all the other churches think that Enoch was like . That's a weird thing . I feel like that people don't really conceptualize about the Bible . How like there are books that didn't make the cut .
Speaker 1Like there are a lot of there's like books on the bubble that don't make the cut , like the gospel of Thomas . I feel like doubting Thomas .
Speaker 3He was there I feel like , if you ask , that was Doubting Thomas .
Speaker 1He was there . I feel like if you ask a lot of people that are practicing Catholics , they wouldn't even know that .
Speaker 3Yeah , but that is like . What is that called ? That is , the matters of faith and morals . This is a perfect example of it . It's like they are allowed to cut certain books out and be like no , we're not talking about nephilim for this many pages well that , yeah , that's what , because that's what the enoch you said , you're reading the bible . This isn't even in the bible .
Speaker 1You're reading this on the internet it's about , but it's about , like you know , the origin of demons , and it's about the nephilim falling during the flood , like that . Those are cool stories . How , why does that get cut out ?
Speaker 3um , probably because they were like probably because back then it was really hard to tell the difference between somebody who is the inspired work of god and somebody with schizophrenia but isn't it just ?
Speaker 1it's just some guy deciding .
Speaker 3I think that probably I think that probably happened a lot where one guy was like , they were like man . This guy seems like he's really speaking the word of god and then cut over and you look over and there's a guy saying something with a little bit more flash , but he's covered in the feathers of dead birds and he's got blood like dripping out of his eyeballs and he's like the Lord is coming , you must repent . And they were like I think we cut that guy out .
Speaker 3You know you would be so wise , I mean schizophrenia in the inspired word of God Pretty close , I think that was in . You want to talk about books that was in Moby Dick ? I mean schizophrenia and the inspired word of God pretty close , I think that was in . You want to talk about books that was in Moby Dick ?
Speaker 1Herman Melville had that great line where he was like heaven sense man's insanity is heaven sense .
Speaker 3Yeah , like what we think somebody is crazy is like somebody who might be speaking to God .
Speaker 1Yeah , there's a guy named Kanye West . No , no , no , no , there isn't .
Speaker 3No , there isn't .
Speaker 2No , there's a guy named Kanye West . No , no , no , no , there isn't no , there isn't no , there isn't no there isn't a guy .
Speaker 3There isn't a guy named Kanye . West he actually no longer exists .
Speaker 1All right , well fine . What are you reading ?
Speaker 3I'm reading Starship Troopers oh , and they had this .
Speaker 2Wow .
Speaker 3I couldn't get past this . One piece that kept making me laugh is uh , there's this . You know , when they're in the military , they have this one soldier , this type of soldier um , it's like a half dog , half human yeah and , uh , the way he says it , not the way that I say it . Um , is that the , the half dog , half human , human teams up with another guy and they basically become bonded .
Speaker 2Like a tracker .
Speaker 3Like emotionally bonded , and the half dog , half human is it's not quite a dog . What the fuck is that ? Hello ? What's happening ? Oh my god . The podcast has come to a screeching halt .
Speaker 1What did you do ? What the fuck ? What the fuck just happened ? What the Madison ? What the fuck was that madison just tried to fucking hijack the entire podcast . She somehow bluetoothed my . She bluetoothed my phone off of my , my phone my god , that monster she's been yelling at me the whole time behind me like shut the fuck up . Why are you so loud ? Shut up , shut the fuck up screaming in the background .
Speaker 3It's nuts okay you're pregnant .
Speaker 1You shouldn't be working at all . God damn it , I'm gonna .
Speaker 3I don't have to finish this thing about starship troopers no , tell me about the dog band .
Speaker 1God damn it starship troopers .
Speaker 3No , tell me about the dog man . God damn it . So , anyways , the dog man it just . He has this line where he goes yeah , half dog , half human , uh , it's basically got the intelligence of a mentally retarded person . So they got this half . They have a dog that has a mentally retarded person's brain on four legs that can speak telepathically with its human , and then they go to war together . And yeah , I just kept thinking about why we don't do that in real life .
Speaker 3And the only conclusion I could come up with is that we would definitely fuck that dog thing .
Speaker 1So you get to read about a retarded dog man , but the Nephilim's out of bounds . Okay , all right . All right , I get it . I'm going to go move to Ethiopia and join that Orthodox church , I think . Yeah , black helicopter . Have a nice day everybody . Oh shit . Yeah yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah . I don't know . I'm going to go find out . I'm going to stop the recording , boom .